The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfish!
by GreenSymbiotePie
Summary: Will not work on.
1. Prologue

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Prologue

Long ago, there was a kingdom full of people who liked The Beatles. In that kingdom, a golden power existed. But one fateful day, a Fanboy who loved Queen and Freddie Mercury took that power so he could make everyone listen to Queen. And he spread Queen's songs across the land. But when all hope was lost . . . a young boy in a green dress appeared out of nowhere. With his blade that repelled evil, he sealed the crazy fanboy away and gave the land light (and the Beatles). The boy, who travelled through time to save the land, was called the Hero of Time. And his tale was passed down through generations until he was a legend.

And then came a day when a loud song was heard across the kingdom, and the insane fanboy was back in business. The people hoped that the Hero would save them from listening to "We Are the Champions" for eternity, but he must've been on a Beatles world tour or something, cause he didn't come. What happened to that kingdom? It is not known. They're probably still there listening to "We Are the Champions" or something.

On a certain island, it become customary to garb young boys in green dresses when they came of age. Clothed in the green dresses of the fields, they were forced to find heroic blades, cast down evil, and listen to The Beatles. The Elders only wish for the youths to know the Beatles (and the courage, I guess) like the hero of legend . . .


	2. A Bad Way To Start The Morning

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

A Bad Way To Start The Morning

On an island called Outset, a little girl is looking for her big brother. The girl's name is Aryll.

Aryll: BIG BROTHER!

Aryll climbs up the watch tower on the island and finds her brother sleeping. Her brother's name is Link.

Aryll: Big brother! Wake up! *kicks him*

He is still sleeping.

Aryll: BIG BROTHER!

Still sleeping.

Aryll: *suddenly angry* WAKE UP, YOU LAZY BUM!

Aryll kicked him really hard in the crotch, so hard he falls off the tower and lands in the water. But Link is _still_ sleeping . . .

Aryll: **BIG BROTH** **—**

Link wakes up.

Link: WHAT, WHAT?!

Aryll: Finally! You –

Link: GO AWAAYYY!

Aryll: But big brother, gramma -

Link: SHUT UP, MARMY!

Aryll: *starts crying* I'm telling gramma!

Aryll climbs off the tower and runs across a bridge to the house closest to the edge of Outset.

Link swims to the shore and follows Aryll across the bridge into their grandmother's house.

In their grandma's house . . .

Aryll: - and I went to wake him up and he called me a Marmyyyyyyyyyyyy! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Link's Grandma: Now, now, Aryll. Everything will - oh, it's you, Link. Now why the heck did you call Aryll a "Marmy"?

Link: I ALWAYS HAVE NICKNAMES FOR EVERYONE!

Link's Grandma: Well why did you give Aryll "Marmy"?

Link: IT'S SHORT FOR MARMALADE!

Link's Grandma: Well how does that have anything to do with Aryll?!

Link: IT DOESN'T! NOW LET ME GO SLEEP AND HEAL MYSELF!

Link's Grandma: STOP YELLING, DAGNABBIT!

Aryll cries harder and runs out of the room.

Link's Grandma: NOW LET ME SHOW YOU THE REASON I CALLED YOU HEAR, YOU DARN KID!

Link: FINE!

Link's Grandma: Good boy!

She pulls some smelly, moldy, somehow wet, dark green cloths out of nowhere.

Link's Grandma: Now anyways, try these on, Link. I can't believe you're old enough to wear these clothes . . .

 _You got the . . ._ _ **used**_ _ **hero's clothes.**_ _They are really . . . smelly. And wet. And a little . . . sticky?_

Link: What the diggity dog is this junk?

Link's Grandma: Just put the darn clothes on, stupid.

Link: I don't like wearing dresses! Those are girly!

Link's Grandma: *suddenly in a deep scary voice* PUT THEM ON.

Link whimpers and puts them on.

Link's Grandma: Don't be so sad about it, you only have to wear them for a day!

Link: Why are they wet? The lower area of this stupid costume is more wet!

Link's Grandma: Don't care. Now go get Aryll and apologize or something . . . I have to get ready for your birthday party. The whole town is coming.

Link: I don't want that snot-nosed retard at my party!

Link's Grandma: GET ARYLL! NOWWW!

LInk: OK, OK!

Link runs out of his grandma's house in his sweaty (peed-in) costume.


	3. Crawfishing Up

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Crawfishing Up

Note: I'll type slower this time to get less mistakes . . . sorry about last time.

Link goes across the bridge back to the watchtower. At the top, Aryll is "playing" with the seagulls. (Yeah, I went there. I said playing in quotes)

Aryll: *annoyed* Oh, it's you . . . *sniff*

Link: Sorry, blah blah blah, all that other stupid stuff, so anyways, do you have a birthday present?!

Aryll: *ignores that* Wow . . . did grandma *sniff* make that suit for you?

Link: I got it from her house. _Duh._

Aryll: Why are you being so mean, big brother? *Aryll starts crying loudly*

Link: Sorry, really! It's just that you started my day with a KICK IN THE CROTCH AND A DIVE IN THE SEA! YOU WOULD BE CRANKY AFTER THAT!

Aryll: WAAAAHHHHHH!

Link: OK! Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry SORRY! Please don't tell grandma again! You can - can - have my Rupees!

Aryll: *stops crying, grins, and says in a deep smooth voice* So how much we talkin' here?

Link: Ermm . . . 45 Rupees?

Aryll: *coughs* Come again?

Link: WHAT THE *censored*! SHEESH! 70 RUPEES! IS THAT ENOUGH?!

Aryll: _Now_ we're talkin'!

Aryll: *in normal voice* so, big bro, I have a present for you!

Link: It better be worth a lot a money, Marmy . . . I was saving up for something!

Aryll: What?

Link: A sword specialized for Captain Crawfish! My childhood superhero!

Aryll: Umm . . . OK. So here's my present! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 _You got the_ _ **Telescope!**_ _It's Aryll's most treasured belonging, so make sure to rub it in the wet parts of your slimy costume._

Aryll: So? So? Do - do you like it? Do ya? Huh? Huh? Do you? Do -

Link: I KNOW, STOP!

Aryll: But you can only use it for - P.U.! That stinks! And why is that

costume so . . . wet?

Link: I don't know how that happened. Maybe that gross snot-nosed retard boogered in it or something worse . . .

Aryll: So Link, use my telescope to look at the post man! Link! Link, can you -

Link: I KNOW!

Link looks through the telescope at the mailbox and some weird eagle guy is making a sad attempt at flight.

Aryll: The post man looks pretty dumb, doesn't he, big brother?

Link: Yeah, I -

Aryll:*screams* OMG OMG OMG OMG! LOOK IN THE SKY, LINK! LOOK! LOOK! LO -

Link: **I KNOW! NOW PLEASE SHUT UP!**

Link looks into the sky and pees his pants. A huge bird is carrying a kid or something in it's claws. Suddenly, a rock flies by. A pirate ship is chasing after the bird and shooting rocks at it. The bird is stupid enough to look behind it, with it's mouth wide open, and it gets slammed in the face by a rock. It drops the girl in the Fairy Forest on top of the island.

Aryll: *shrieks* Big brother! You have to save that girl! Please, big bro!

Link: Maybe . . . but can I have a please?

Aryll: I just said please!

Link: Well another one.

Aryll: PLEAAAASSSSEEE! *whimper*

Link: Well if I save her, promise to give me 500 Rupees.

Aryll: OK, I'll bring the Rupees up soon! Just please, get a weapon or -

Link: *gasps* A weapon? I get to use a weapon!?

Aryll: Yes! Now please find one! *sobs*

Link: Stop being a crybaby!

Aryll: *starts crying*

Link: OK, fine!

Link climbs down the tower and goes to Orca's house. Someone yells something, but Link ignores and goes into the house. Orca is being a loser and trying to roll into the wall.

Link: OLD MAN!

Orca: Wha, wha?

Link: **OLD - MAAAAANNNNNN!**

Orca: Oh, hey - Uhhh, what's that smell?

Link: My stupid costume.

Orca: Why is it so wet?

Link: JUST GIMME THE DARN SWORD!

Orca: But why?

Link: I NEED IT!

Orca: But -

Link: A GIRL FELL INTO THE WOODS AND I WAS PAYED TO SAVE HER!

Orca: Hmm . . .

Link punchs Orca in the eye, runs to the back of the room, and finds his special sword (even though he didn't pay Orca).

 _You got_ _ **Captain Crawfish's Sword!**_ _This is the sword of your dreams that you created when you were five! Now you can defend the innocent, like Captain Crawfish!_

Link: Now where's my *beep* costume?!

Link somehow finds his orange and blue Captain Crawfish costume.

 _You got_ _ **Captain Crawfish's Clothes!**_ _Sewn by your grandma at the age of eight, these clothes are perfect for acrobatics, water, and more! And they aren't sweaty and gross . . ._

Link changes and runs out of the room. Then he goes up to the path that leads to the fairy forest on top of the island. He goes across the bridge, but throws up over the edge, because he's afraid of heights.

Link: BLEAAUUUUURRGGHGHHHHH! Hey, I hit that snot-nosed retard! Yay!

Link starts running again, but this time, he trips over his orange cape.

Link: DARN IT! STUPID CAPE!

Link: Gets up and runs to the entrance of the forest.

Link: Random girl . . . here I come!

Link runs in.

Inside is . . .well, a forest.

Link runs over the obstacles and through the forest. Soon enough, a weird pig thing is in front of him. Link runs to it and slices it into bacon. Then he runs to the tree near the girl. Suddenly, he hears some birds. He looks up and sees birds flying around. The birds are holding those pig things.

Bird: Ueeghghh? *translation* where's that kid?

Other Bird: UEeeerrgh. *translation* Dunno. Let's look for him.

The birds fly away.

Link:*snickers* Suckers!

Link walks over to a tree and looks around.

Link: Now where is that -  
Suddenly, the tree above Link moves. Someone squeals and there is a thump. Link turns around and finds the girl.

Link: Hey, how'd you get there?

The girl gets up.  
Girl: What's up with that getup, fool?

Link: You're a fool!

Girl: Why are you even here anyways, Frogspawn?

Link: To rescue you, because you seem incapable of saving yourself! You would think a pirate could protect herself . . . or the author's being sexist.

Author: It's not me! It's the game!

Link: Oh, right. And what's this _game_ you speak of?

Author: Ummm . . . suddenly Link and Tetra forget that there is an author!

Link: So what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. You're stupid. You have a friggin' knife! Use it, woman!

Tetra: I'm really gonna -

Suddenly, some weird pirate looking loser dances into the forest.

Pirate: *sings* Miss Tetra!

He dances to Stayin' Alive over to Tetra(search up stayin' alive dance and see the first option).

Tetra: Stop dancing to retarded songs, stupid! Get a life and listen to the Beatles!

The guy stops dancing and is sad.

Pirate: So um, Miss Tetra, we were, like, looking for you and stuff, but, like, this bird, like, dropped off on top of, like the mountain, and like, I thought you were, like -

Tetra: Wait. I'm, on a mountain?

Link: Duh, stupid!

Tetra: *ignores Link* Well let's go repay our debt back in full!

Pirate: But, like, what about this, like, boy?

Tetra: What about him? He's stupid!

Pirate: Never mind.

The pirates leave, and Link follows them. Outside of the forest, Link sees someone across the bridge.

Aryll: Hoy, big brother! I have your money!

Aryll walks across the bridge. Suddenly, the huge bird flies over the bridge and grabs Aryll's money! . . . and Aryll, I guess.

Link: NOOO! MY MONEY!

Aryll: BIG BROOOTHEEEERRRRRR!

Link runs off the cliff stupidly and splashes into the water. Tetra doesn't grab him cause she doesn't feel like it.

Tetra: Stupid kid. I never liked him anyways . . .

Link:*whine* WHYYYYY! WHYYYY, CRUEL WORLD! I WANT MY MONEY! AND MY SKIN IS BURNING OFF! WHYYYYYYY! THAT HUUUUUURRRTTTT!


	4. Leaving This Stupidonkulous Island

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfish's Adventures

Off This Stupidonkulous Island

Tetra: What!? Why would you think I'd let some stupid frogspawn brat come on my pirate ship!

Link: Cause I have a sword! I'm cool! And stop calling me frogspawn, Yellerbuns!

Tetra: Wait, what the *beep* did you call me?

Link: I have a nickname for everyone. Your nickname is Yellerbuns . . . Yellerbuns.

Tetra: SHUT IT FROGSPAWN!

Link: THAT'S IT!

Link stabs at Tetra and slices at Tetra. Tetra, unluckily, dodges it.

Tetra: You little . . .

Tetra pulls out her knife, but fortunately (for Link), the "dumb" postman flies over and grabs Link and throws his sword somewhere.

Dumb Postman: If you big fat ugly pirates pirates hadn't come to this Stupidonkulous island, his sister -

Link: My MONEY! Not the other one! MY MONEY!

Dumb Postman: Umm, yeah . . . so his sister and his money wouldn't have been kidnapped!

Tetra: But I hate him! He's the worst!

Link: Hey, what's that ugly fat thing behind you, Tetra? Oh, it's your ship. Tee hee!

Tetra: I swear, Link, I will -

Dumb Postman: Everyone calm down! Just let the kid on the gosh darn ship!

Tetra: HECK to the no! You'd have to pay me a thousand Rupees to do that!

Dumb Postman: That can be arranged.

Tetra: Well gimme the money, money, money!

Dumb Postman: Just take him!

Another pirate (Niko): But Miss Taitry, I need a new swabbie! I'll whip him into shape! Please!

Tetra: How many times do I have to tell you, Niko? MY NAME IS TETRA! TEH- TRA! IT'S THAT SIMPLE, BLOCKHEAD!

Dumb Postman: Oh, and long eared girls are taken to the Forsaken Fortress.

Tetra: What the word!? That's so far! And it's dangerous!

Dumb Postman: Still!

Tetra: Fine. But don't forget my payment. Extra for the Forsaken Fortress.

Tetra turns to Link.

Tetra: Bring a shield or something, stupid.

Link: Only if you -

Tetra: BRING A SHIELD.

Link: Only -

Tetra: **BRING - A - SHIELD**.

Link whimpers and runs to his grandma's house. Inside, his grandma is at the door.

Link's Grandma: Oh no . . . if you're here, something bad must've happened. What happened?

Link: Nonya business, fool! Now where the diggity dog is the family shield!?

Link's Grandma: Is this what you're looking for?

She is holding a weird slimy shield.

 _You got the_ _ **Ruined**_ _ **Hero's Shield!**_ _This might be the shield that the legendary hero used himself, but it's caked in some kind of goo . . ._

Link's Grandma starts sobbing.

Link's Grandma: Who would take such an innocent little girl? Now I only have _you_.

Link: I gotta go, bye-bye!

Link, being oblivious to the pain of others, leaves his house and leaves his grandma all alone. Then he runs back to Tetra, but she isn't there. Link panicks for a few seconds, but then he sees the pirate ship setting sail.

Link: TEEEEETRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Link runs to the ladder as it is being pulled up and climbs onto the ship.

Tetra is snickering and giggling at the wheel.

Tetra: Hehehehehehe . . . I tricked that stupid frogspawn Link _and_ that stupid Dumb Postman! Now I'll be rich and I'll never have to see that idiot again! Heheheheheh . . .

Link creeps up behind Tetra.

Link: Why hello, deary(ha ha ha: quote)!

Tetra: AIAIIIIIIIIEEEEE!

Link: HA! The look on your face . . . priceless!

Tetra: HOW THE WHAT DID YOU GET ON MY SHIP!?

Link: I'm Captain Crawfish! I always find a way! Now bow to Captain Crawfish, inferior Yellerbuns!

Tetra: THAT DOES IT! I WILL MAKE YOU HURT, FROGSPAWN!

Tetra tackles Link and keeps punching him. Over and over. Poor Link.

Link: OW, I - OOOHHH, MY STOMACH - NO, NOT THERE NOT THERE **NOT THERE NOT THERE! YEEEOOOOOWWWWW! YOU UTTERLY DESTROYED MY -**

Gonzo(the dancing pirate):Like, guys, stop, like, fighting!

Tetra punches him in the eye a few more times and gets up. Link spits out a few teeth and gets up slowly.

Link: Two times in one day . . . WHY!?

Tetra: There's a lot more where that came from, Frogspawn.

Link: Shut it, Yellerbuns. I'm leaving. My crotch needs to heal . . .

Tetra: I didn't need to know that, Frogspawn.

Link:*growl* SHUT IT.

Gonzo: Like, woah now, everybody!Like, we all, like, just need to, like, you know, like calm down and, like, dance!

Gonzo starts dancing some dance from some song.

Tetra: YOU'RE FIRED!

Gonzo: Like, I'm gonna go now! Like, Bye!

Gonzo dances away and Link goes below deck. There is a room and another one leading down, but the room is being guarded. Link runs to the guarded room.

Guard: Stop right there! This is Miss Tetra's cabin!

Link: I don't care, fool!

Link punches the guy in the face and he faints. Link goes into the room. Nothing much, just a picture of a triangle, some random lady no one cares about, and - Link?

Link: Woah . . . has Tetra been stalking me? Does she have a crush on me? This is creepy. Me go now (Yes, I typed it like that on purpose).

Link runs into the room downstairs. There is a big gape across the room. At the end is another little room.

Niko: Aha! You're here, swabbie!

Link sees a weird little guy standing next to him.

Link: What are you supposed to be?

Niko: What do you mean?

Link: Umm . . . nothing.

Niko: Now I have a little test -

Link: I HATE TESTS! LINK ANGRY!

Link picks Niko up, stabs his sword through Niko's shirt (not Niko, his _shirt_ ), and stabbed the sword into the wall.

Niko:*panicked* What are you doing, swabbie!? Get me out of here, swabbie!

Link: I ain't a swabbie! You a swabbie, fool!

Niko:*whines* Swaaabbiiieeee!

Link: Hmmm . . . I guess I can write a chick magnet song for the trip . . . who knows what's going to be out there!

Link pulls out some paper and a pencil and starts writing his "chick magnet" song.

A Few Hours Later . . .

Tetra: FROGSPAAAWN! GET UP HERE, FROGSPAWN!

Link growls and curses Tetra.

Link: And I was almost finished with my magnet . . .

Link gets up and pulls his sword out of Niko's shirt, who was sleeping.

Niko: Wha-wha? Oh, swabbie! Finally! Now why'd you -

Link ignores him and goes up the stairs and to the deck, but Tetra is nowhere to be seen.

Link: Where is that stupid -

Tetra: I'm up here, frogspawn! Now climb up!

Link: You climb up!

Tetra: I already did! Now it's your turn, doofus!

Link: I'll do it whenever I feel like it! Gosh! (hehehehe . . . quote)

Tetra: Don't make me come down there, frogspawn!

Link: OK, OK, just don't hurt me up again!

Link climbs up the ladder near the mast. Tetra is at the top.

Tetra: So Linky old-boy, we'll have some, ah, _troubles_ getting in. I came up with an idea.

Link: So what is it?

At the back of the deck . . .

Link: Wait, why am I in a barrel? Fear tends to ruin my memory.

Tetra: We're launching you, frogspawn! Have a good trip!

Link: Wait, let me say something!

Tetra: What do you want, frogspawn?

Link: I hate you Tetra.

Tetra: Hate you too, frogspawn. Launch 'im off, guys!

Link is launched from the ship into the Forsaken Fortress. But sadly, Tetra's aim is so bad, he is nearly launched into space. And instead of flying straight north, he somehow flies east. _That's_ how bad Tetra's aim is.

Tetra: *singing*

 _Ceeelebrate good times, come on!_

 _(It's a celebration)_

 _Ceeelebrate good times, come on!_

 _There's a party goin' on right here_

 _A celebration -_

Gonzo: Umm, like, Miss Tetra?

Tetra: What?

Gonzo: Like, you, like, missed.

Tetra: Oh. Oh well . . . I guess.


	5. A Huge Plot Twist

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

A Huge Plot Twist

?: . . . Link . . . Link . . . pull yourself together, Link!

Link: Wah wah . . . ? Pull your face together, fool! and who's talking anyways?

Link is under kind some rock formation. There is a little curve of sand leading to a beach. And he's in a boat. The boat looks pretty retarded to Link.

?: Shut up and look around, !

The head of the boat, which looks like a dragon, turns it's head around.

Link: AAHH! IT'S SO HIDEOUS!

Boat: HA HA HA! The look on your face . . . priceless! You're so dull-witted . . . I thought the legendary hero would be smarter!

Link: That doesn't mean much, coming from some retarded red boat. What are you supposed to be anyways? A bearded dragon boat?

King Of Red Lions: I am the King Of Red Lions! I speak the words of men! How cool is that?

Link: Yeah . . . so what's next? Will you learn to use a toilet? *snicker* *snicker*

King Of Red Lions: *ignores Link* I have been watching you ever since your ultimate failure at Forsaken Fortress . . . and maybe before.

Link: Wait, what!? Are you stalking me?!

King Of Red Lions: Ummmmm . . . noooooo. So anyways, I understand how -

Link: Whaddaya want, boat boy?

King Of Red Lions: *sigh* Short or long version?

Link: Uhduh.

King Of Red Lions: A guy named Ganon is trying to make everyone like some old band I don't know or care about. Oh, do you still wanna save your sister?

Link: I wanna save my sister's money! . . . and her, I guess.

King Of Red Lions: Ummmm . . . .Ok. Then in that case, I shall -

Link: Guess what! I have a nickname for you! Cause your normal name is stupid. You're a dragon, not a lion.

King Of Red Lions: So what is it?

Link: RED SIMBA(Yes, I just made that reference)!

King Of Red Lions: Say what now?

Link: Has a nice ring to it, ya know? I'll call you Simba for short (yeah I did).

Red Simba: Yeah . . . are you a hero?

Link: _You_ dragged me into this. Don't ask me.

Red Simba: *long sigh* So I need a sail. Can you find one on this island?

Link: Maybe.

Red Simba: What more do you want, boy?

Link: Money! Duh!

Red Simba: I'm a friggin' boat! Boats don't carry money around!

Link: Well get a job, home boy. Or should I say . . . home _boat?_ Hehehehehehe . . .

Red Simba: Just go get a sail!

Link: No!

Red SImba: *in a growl* Wanna know why they call me King Of Red Lions?

Link: OK, OK! I'll go! Sheesh, Author . . . you're not making sense! How the *beep* did this retarded boat get me to this island if he doesn't have a sail!? HOW!?

Author: Ummm . . . AUTHOR USES RANDOM PLOT TWIST!

Link and Red Simba lose their memories once more, Link gets his gross costume back, and something happens in the sky. There is a pop and a girl falls out of the sky. Link gets out of Red Simba (that sounds weird) to see what happened. For some reason, this mysterious girl has a Bowser Medallion(Yeah . . . that's the plot twist! hehehehehe . . .).

Link: NOOOOOO! NOT _THIS_ COSTUME!

?: What happened? Where is Romani?

Link: *purrs* Why, hello there.

Romani: What?

Link: Umm, nothin'. Who are you?

Romani:*ignores* Grasshopper? You look . . . different. Why does everything look so weird? It isn't blocky and ugly! And Romani thinks you're cuter than ever!

Link: What the *censored* are you talking about, woman?

Romani: Romani likes this place! Even Romani looks different!

Link: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?

Romani: *ignores Link once more* And where are we anyways?

Link: **WHAT - ARE - YOU - TALKING -**

Romani: Oh, sorry, Grasshopper . . . I'm just looking around, I'm a little confused!

Link: So am I! That's why I'm asking what the diggity dog you're talking about!

Romani: Romani used to live at Romani Ranch, the ranch she was named after . . . until now. Romani doesn't know where she is now.

Link: Hey, Simba, where are we?

Red Simba: Windfail Island or something.

Link: It's Wind _fall_ Island, stupid!

Red Simba: And how would you know that?

Link: How would you?

Red Simba: Cause I was the one who brought you to this flippin' island!

Link: Well still. Up there, the sign says "Windfall Island." Hey, that's it, Simba! Can you read?

Red Simba: Shut up and find a sail!

Link: YOU find a sail!

Red Simba: THAT'S IT!

Link: OK, OK, OK! FINE!

Romani: Where are you going, Grasshopper? Romani wants to come too!

Link: Yeah, I guess . . .

They go up the beach to "Windfail" Island.

Link: Wait here . . . I need to find a _sail._ Stupid sail . . .

Romani: *whine* But there's nothing to dooooo!

Link: Fine . . . go explore or something . . . but meet me back here when you're done. *long nasal sigh*

Romani: *happy again* Bye Grasshopper! Romani will see you soon!

Romani skips off somewhere or other. Link doesn't know or care where she went. Link sighs again and goes up to the hill.

Then he sees a door below a red brick building. He goes in. Inside is Romani outside a prison cell and some weird green loser in the cell.

Romani: What do you want from me, crazio!?

Green Guy: I WANT YOU TO *beep* GET ME OUTTA THIS *beep* PLACE,*censored* *beep*!

Romani: *crying* WAAAAHH!

Link: SHUT UP, LOSER!

Green Guy:*ignores that* Mr. Fairy! I've been longing for you to rescue me, sir!

Link: Oh, shut it, you!

TIngle:*ignores that also* My name is Tingle! I was put in this jail for no apparent reasons! Please free me!

Link notices that the cell is ruined and destroyed.

Link: I, uhh . . I don't think that's a good idea.

Romani:*sniff* Don't free this *sniff* bad man, Grasshopper!

Tingle: FREE MEEEE, MR. FAIRY! NOWWWWW!

Tingle pulls out a bottle of some dusty stuff.

Tingle: Let me out or I'm blowin' the life outta this town.

Link: You don't have a match, stupid.

Tingle: I'LL FIND A WAY!

Link: Yeah . . . let's go Romani.

Tingle: Come back, Mr. Fairy! Free meeee!

Link ignores Tingle and leaves the prison. Romani skips off somewhere again and Link sits down to finishing writing his "magnet", because he's too lazy to find a sail.

Link: *muttering about song* I'll always . . . memeshemenee . . . almost done . . . forever . . .

Romani: Hi Grasshopper!

Link: WAAGHHH! What the - don't do that!

Romani: Romani found your sail!

 _You got a_ _ **boat's sail!**_ _Who knows why you need it . . . maybe Red Simba is evil or something . . ._

Link: How'd you find this!?

Romani: Romani has her ways!

Link: . . .

Romani: Let's go Grasshopper! What are you waiting for?

Link: One second . . . just need to finish my song . . .

Romani: You write songs, Grasshopper?

Link: Just this one time . . .

Some time later . . .

Romani: GRASSHOPPER! Hurry up!

Link: OK, done!

They go back down to the little cove thingie where the retard Red Simba is waiting and get into the retarded boat.

Link: *whine* Uuuuughh . . . there's hardly any space for both of us to sit in here!

Red Simba: Well then make Romani stay!

Romani:*whine* Romani doesn't wanna stay heeeerrreee!

Link: You can stay, Romani . . . I don't wanna stuck at sea with this retard.

Red Simba: No, really . . . I think I was stalking the wrong person . . .

Romani: Yayyy! I can stay!

Red Simba: Now . . . to the Tape Sea we go!

Link: Stop pronouncing everything wrong, retard!

Red Simba: STOP CALLING ME A RETARD, RETARD!

Romani: No one is a retard! We are all friends!

Link and Red Simba: NO WE'RE NOT!

Romani:*ignores that* So anyways, to the Great Sea we go! Let's follow the westerly wind!

Red Simba: HEY! That's my line, kid!

Link: Oh, shut up, you.


	6. Dagnabit Roofs Island

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Dagnabit Roofs Island

Romani: Uuugh! What's that disgusting smell!? Cow manure smells way better!

Romani, Link and . . . Red Simba (ugh) are at sea, heading toward a big island that looks like a volcano with a storm around it.

Link: It's my stupid costume, and now I'm stuck with it.

Romani: Why is it wet?

Link: Don't ask. I don't even _know._

Romani: Romani should call you Stink or Stinkbug or something, Grasshopper. Or should I say Stinkbug?

Link:*whine* Stoooop!

Red Simba: That's actually a good nickname, Romani! Thanks!

Romani: My pleasure! But Romani's getting hungry . . . what is there to eat?

Link: I don't know . . . try holding it in or something.

Moment of silence . . .

Link: *thinking* _Hey, maybe I can show Romani my chick magnet song and see if it works!_ *aloud* Hey Romani! Wanna hear my song?

Romani: Definitely . . . it's getting boring out here.

Link: OK . . . *starts singing*

 _Always and foreverrr_ (yeah I just did that)

 _Each moment with youu_

 _Is just like a dream to meee_

 _That somehow came truuuee_

 _And I know tommorrow_

 _Will still be the saaamee_

 _Cause we got a life of loovee_

 _That won't ever change and . . ._

Some time later . . .

 _EEEEEEEVVEEEEEERRRR_

Link: That's the end. So, so?!

Romani: Cool song, Grasshopper! But Romani is still hungry . . .

Link: *thinking* _WHAT THE *BEEP*! WHY DIDN'T IT WORK!?_

Link sulks.

Romani: Hey, Grasshopper . . . now that I think of it, you created a new music style! Romani likes it! It's cool!

Link: What do you mean?

Romani: It's smooth and rhythmic! Has a nice beat, ya know? Oh, I have an idea! Call it Romani and Beat! Has a nice ring to it, ya know? Ya know? Right? Right?

Link: Yeah, I guess . . .

Romani:R&B! Sounds awesome, in fact! (yes, Romani and Link _did_ create R &B: how would you not know that? lol)

Red Simba: Heheheheh . . . looks like ol' Link's got a girlfriend! Heheheh . . .

Link: SHUT UP, RETARDED BOAT!

Red Simba: Heheheheheheh . . . *thinking* _when Zelda sees this . . ._

Link:*thinking* _Well that sucks! Now there's nothing to do . . ._

Romani: Are we there yet?

Red Simba: No.

Romani: Are we there yet now?

Red Simba: No.

A moment of silence.

Romani: How about now?

Red Simba: No!

Romani: How about -

Red Simba: NO! NOW SHUT UP, PLEASE!

Romani: *whine* You're meeeaaan!

Red Simba: *sigh* this is going to be a long day.

Romani: *yawn* this is getting boring . . . good night Grasshopper.

Romani goes to sleep.

Link: Ugh. There is, like, nothing to do. I'm bor -

Suddenly there is a thud and Link and Romani fly out of the front of the boat.

Red Simba: Wah-wah . . . ? Oh. We're here. We're at Dagnabit Roofs Island.

Link: Don't you mean Dragon Roost Island?

Red Simba: I MEAN WHAT I MEAN, AND WHAT I MEAN I SAID!

Link: Do you know how to read? Really, Red Simba.

Romani: Romani likes the music for this place . . . it's catchy!

Link sees a guy playing a guitar by himself on the small beach.

Link: So why are we on this stupid little island?

?: HEY! DON'T YOU DARE CALL MY ISLAND STUPID, MORON!

Link: Who is it?

?: It's me, *beep*!

Link turns around. It is a girl with reddish hair and no pants. Oh, and a BEAK. A big, whoopin' BEAK. Yeah, you read that right. A BEAK.

Link: *in a deep voice Heeey, bebe.

?: Say what?

Link: Ummm . . . nothin'. Who are you supposed to be? You're like that dumb postman, but you're a redhead, your skin is lighter, you don't have any pants, and you're cuter.

?: What was the last part?

Link: Ummm . . . nothin'. So who are you?

Medli: I'm Medli, and I don't like you calling my island "stupid."

Link: Well it's true, so THERE! And P.S.: put some pants on, woman!

Medli: Oh, shut your trap!

Romani: The other Grasshopper never had pants on, Grasshopper, so I wouldn't talk.

Link: And you stay out of this, Romani!

Medli: Why are you with this chump, Romani?

Romani: Grasshopper's not a chump! Things just got personal, bub . . .

Red Simba: Oh, Link! Umm . . . I have something to give to you! It's the Wind Waker!

Link: Is it a gun? Is it a gun? Is it? Is it? Is -

Red Simba: NO! Why would I have a gun!?

Link: 'Cause you're useless and retarded?

Red Simba:*ignores* This is it!

Red Simba tosses it to Link. It's a stupid baton.

Link: *whines* I don't want a stupid batooooonnn!

Red SImba: It can do magic stuff that I don't care about. I kept it from my trip to The Hylian Souvenir Shop.

Link: What . . . ? You're an incapable boat! How would you get to a souvenir shop?

Red Simba: Never mind . . . just go find an orb thingie. It's orange and big. It's Don's Pearl.

Romani: Romani doesn't mean to interrupt, but Romani thinks you mean _Din's_ Pearl.

Red SImba: I MEAN WHAT I MEAN, AND WHAT I MEAN I SAID!

Romani: Umm . . . Ok? Let's go Grasshopper.

Link: Yeah . . . let's go. Oh, Medil -

Medli: It's MEDLI!

Link: So can you take Romani up to wherever your lair is?

Medli: Mmmm . . . yeah, NO.

Romani: Oh, you've got it in for yourself, bub!

Romani tackles Medli and they start fighting.

Link: I'm just gonna . . .

Link goes up to a cliff side and climbs up it. Then he walks through a little passage that leads to a wooden walkway going up the cliff. The Dumb Postman is standing outside, peeing over the fence blocking off the cliff.

Luckily, no one is under him. Link tries to sneak past him, but sadly, The Dumb Postman notices him and turns around with a stupid grin on his face. You wouldn't really be able to tell he was grinning because of the beak anyways, so that didn't matter.

Dumb Postman: Link! Whaddup, m' boy? You've travelled far for a wingless loser . . .

Link: Your mom goes to college!

Dumb Postman: Huh?

Link: Never mind . . .

Dumb Postman: I'll tell the ol' chieftain that you're here for our homemade hot cocoa!

Link: I don't want your stupid hot cocoa!

Dumb Postman:*frowns* Aw, shucks . . . then why are you here?

Link: I want your ball!

Dumb Postman: Umm . . . that sounds weird. Ball as in . . . ?

Link: Ya know! The only *beep* ball you have: Din's Pearl!

Dumb Postman: Oh, _that_ ol' thing . . . OK, lemme talk with the chieftain. Here, have some cocoa!

Link: No way, fool.

Dumb Postman: *hearty laugh* No, I insist!

Link: I said no!

Dumb Postman: *In a dark tone* No, I INSIST.

Link: OK, OK! I'll have your stupid cocoa! Sheesh . . .

Link sips the cocoa.

Link: OK, it's good . . . but do you have anything cold?

Dumb Postman: Have a popsicle!

Link takes and licks the popsicle.

Link: OK, that's good.

Dumb Postman: Now wait here, man.


	7. Don't Touch My Ball!

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Don't Touch My Ball!

Link: Aaaaah . . . this cocoa hits the spot!

Recap: Link is sipping cocoa and licking a popsicle. These are also some of the Rito tribe specialties, if you didn't know. But sadly, Quill (or "Dumb" Postman, as we know him) comes back out and ruins the moment.

Dumb Postman: Hiya, Link! So the ol chiefie wants you to come in! And you'd better do it soon . . . it's almost winter here!

Link: What the - ? What the *beep* is wrong with you, Dumb Postman? It's not even cold!

Dumb Postman: Up north, winter comes real fast-like!

Link: Your face comes real fast-like!

Dumb Postman: *ignores that* Now Link, just follow me inside, man!

Link: Fine! Gosh . . .

Link shivers.

Link: Brr . . . it's freezing!

Dumb Postman: I told you it comes real fast-like! Now come on, kid!

The Dumb Postman goes inside. Link curses Dagnabit Roofs island's weird weather and goes inside. Inside is a bunch of Rito talking and carrying mail and doodling on paper and stuff. There is a big fat one with a retarded red scarf standing in the middle.

Link: Hey doofus! You in the red!

The fat one with the retarded red scarf turns around.

Fat Rito: What do you want, stranger?

Link: Dumb Postman invited me in. I need a ball. Gimme a ball. It's big and orange. Wait a second . . . Are _you_ the chieftain? Is that *beep* Medil your daughter? I hate her! And how the *beep* are you the chieftain? You're too fat to fly!

Chieftain: *angry* Hey! I'm trying to drink less hot cocoa! And that little *beep* Medli isn't my daughter! I have one wimp of a son . . . his name is Komila or something, I forgot. I haven't seen him in a few years.

Link: Does he have a ball?

Chieftain: Errrr . . . that's kind of a _hawkard_ question. HA! JOKE JOKE FUNNY FUNNY!

Link: Shut up, that wasn't even funny! That was retarded and overused! And how is he even born? Clearly, all the female Ritos are extinct or something.

Chieftain: I don't really know . . .

Link: Is Medil the *beep* your son's mother?

Chieftain: . . .

Link: And is -

Chieftain: Just stop asking questions and listen, or you're not getting that ball!

Link: Well, fine.

Chieftain: Take a letter to that stupid kid. I don't feel like doing it myself 'cause I'm horrible "father" -

Link: You sure as heck are!

Chieftain: So please, destroy me and that kid's relationship.

Link: Why not? Oh yeah, because I don't have the right, ah, _motivation._ Know what I'm sayin'?

Chieftain: Whatever you want, you can have. How about a barrel of our homemade apple cider? Or how about a petite and yummy creme brulee?

Link: Apple cider, for sure!

Chieftain: Good. Your order will be ready in a moment.

Link: Good . . . it's freezing out there!

Romani limps into the room shivering.

Romani: W-wow! It was j-just warm and-and s-sunny out th-there! W-what ha-happened?

Link: Weather is really weird on this stupid little island.

Chieftain: HEY!

Link: Why are you limping? And where's Medil -

Romani: MEDLI, g-grasshopper. And MEDLI -got Romani a little b-bit.

They go to a little hallway leading to a door.

Link: Whatever her name is. Did you whoop her non-pants butt?

Romani: Probably . . . R-romani really d-doesn't like that l-little*censored* *censored*.

Link: OH MY GOSH! HOW DID YOU LEARN THOSE WORDS!?

Romani: Red Simba taught it to me!

Link: I'm gonna kill that -

Romani: What? Is it not a good word?

Link: It's one of the worst! Really . . . don't say that ever again!

Romani: Sorry, Grasshopper . . . so where are we heading?

Link: We have to give some stupid kid with a ball -

Romani: Can you not say it that way, Grasshopper?

Link: We have to give some stupid kid with a _orb_ \- is that good?

Romani nods.

Link: A letter from his "father." Hey, wanna look at the letter?

Romani: Umm . . . I don't think we should -

Link: Oh, it's _fine_! It's not like he's a good father anyways!

Link reads letter aloud.

Link: Komila, get some wings ya stupid *beep*. When I got my wings, I did it in, like, a few seconds. So hurry up, will ya?

Romani: Wow . . . that's harsh.

Link: I told you he isn't a good father.

Romani: OK . . . is this Komila or whatever's room?

Link: Probably . . . let's just get this over with so we can drink cider . . . _together_. *Link giggles stupidly*

Romani: What was the last part?

Link: Ummm . . . nothin'.

They go into the room. In the room, there is a kid sitting on his bed rubbing a big orange ball. It is glowing. There is also a cupboard full of . . . ducks?

Link: What are you doing, weirdo? And why do you have a duck fetish?

Komila: Shut up and let me rub my ball.

Link and Romani: Ummm . . . that sounds awkward.

Komila: You know what I mean or something. *long sad sigh*

Romani: Aww . . . cheer up, little guy! It's all gonna be OK!

Komila: And as for you -

Komila looks up.

Komila: Oh no! It's a girl!

Komila hides under the covers.

Romani: Huh?

Link: This guy is socially awkward. I mean, he rubs a ball all day!

Komila:*muffled* What do you losers want?

Link: I want your ball! Gimme it!

Komila:*whines* NOOOOOOO!

Link: I have to bring you a letter from the "Father". Oh yeah, it's winter. And what's your name again?

Komila:*ignores the last two and pulls off the covers* Gimme the letter, stupid.

Link: Fine!

Link throws the letter at the annoying, socially awkward bird kid.

Komila: Watch it!

Komila punches Link in the head.

Link: Owwww! What's wrong with you?! Go outside and play in the snow or something!

Komila: Owet side? What's that?

Link: You know . . . the place outside your little room? Have you at least seen the Sun?

Komila: I'm the sun though! But I haven't seen what I look like . . .

Link: No, you're _a_ son, you retard. And find a mirror or something.

Komila: Then what does the other one mean?

Link: Wow . . just read the *beep* letter.

Romani: The Sun, Komila -

Komali:*hides under the covers* It's KOMALI! And can you move away from the bed please?

Romani: - is a wonderful thing in the sky! It is what you'd call a star! And outside is the place outside of your room! How awesome is that?

Komali:*muffled* Wow . . . that sounds amazing! I wanna go now! But, but . . . how big is it?

Romani: There is a lot of stuff outside, like people and -

Komali:*takes off the covers* People? Woah . . . what's a people?

Romani:*puts hand on Komali's shoulder* People are like me and Link and -

Komali: PHYSICAL CONTACT. SPACE BUBBLE BREACHED.

Romani: *takes hand off shoulder* OK? So they are -

Link: OK, that's enough! You can teach him about the "great outdoors" or whatever after I give him this letter!

Someone walks into the room as Link hands Komila - er, _Komali -_ the letter.

It's that *beep*, Medli. Ugh.

Medli: Link! Follow me, now!

Link: OHHH! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE?

Medli: Our friend Romani here gave me a black eye and some other things.

Link: What does that mean . . . ?

Komali: M-m-medli! W-what are you - you - you doing here!? You're embarrassing me! I don't want you to see me like this!

Medli: Like what? You wear the same *beep* thing every *beep* day of your *beep* life! So it doesn't even *beep* matter!

Komali: Well, well, w-well - still! Since I have a crush on you -

Medli: Huh?

Komali: Um, um, um . . . *whine* STOOOOOOOPPP!

Komali starts rubbing his ball again, but harder and quicker. Then he starts muttering something weird to himself and pees his pants(weirdo).

Medli: Hey, Link! Follow me, stupe! I have . . . something to tell you . . .

Link: Well, fine. Gosh.

Link followed Medli out of the bedroom.

Link: Umm, Medli?

Medli: What, stupe?

Link: Is Komali your son?

Medli slaps Link.

Link: Owwwie!

Medli: What kind of question is that, stupe? We're the same flippin' age! And we look literally nothing alike!


	8. Don't You Dare Do Anything Wrong!

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfish's Adventures

Don't You Dare Do Anything Wrong!

Link: Wh-why the *b-beep* are w-we in th-this c-c-c-cold weather?

Medli has taken Link to the Dagnabit Roofs Cavern entrance.

Medli: I came to tell you my whole personal life!

Link: I don't care about your friggin personal life! Now what do you want!?

Medli: I, I - pick me up and throw me to that little cave up there.

Link: Say what now?

Medli: PICK ME UP AND THROW ME TO THAT LITTLE CAVE UP THERE!

Jeez, stupe! Are you deaf _and_ dumb?!

Link: *ignores this* With no pants on?

Medli: Who cares about pants? Those are retarded!

Link: Oh, so _clothes_ are retarded? _Self-dignity_ is retarded!? *whiny* And it's distraaaaacted!

Medli: Shut up and pick me up! And if you do anything wrong, I will beat you to a pulp, stupe!

Link: You're a stupe!

Link grumbles something that we probably don't wanna hear, Medli crouches, and Link picks her up.

Medli: Good, stupe! Now throw me at the wall! I'll fly there!

Link: What the *beep* is wrong with you? You can't fly! And I don't like this! It's awkwaaaard!

Medli: Watch and learn, stupe. Watch and learn. Now throw me NOW!

Link throws Medli straight into a wall.

Medli: OOWCHIE!

Link: Umm, *beep*? Are you OK?

Medli gets up and seems quite dizzy.

Medli: Hey, why are there three of you, Link? Tee hee hee . . . *giggles stupidly some more*

Link shakes Medli hard.

Link: MEDIL!

Medli : Wha-wha . . .? Oh, it's you.

Medli kicks Link in the crotch really hard.

Link: YEEEEEOOOWWWWWW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?

Medli: That was for THROWING ME INTO A WALL, STUPE.

Link: I swear, Medil, I am really going to -

Romani jumps from the ledge.

Romani: Hiya Grasshopper! Medli. Ugh.

Medli: you little -

Link: Ladies! Calm down . . . We don't have to fight over me!

Medli: Why the flippity dipstick would I fight over you, stupe?

Romani: I'd fight for and over you anyday, Grasshopper! (Awww! Romani likes Link! I don't get how she likes him, but don't question Romani. I wonder what Romani looks like in Wind Waker style anyways . . .)

Link: Aww, shucks, Romani! Color me flattered!

Medli: Shut up sicko!

Link: you're a sicko!

Medli: You're a sickerer sicko!

Link: You're the sickererest sicko of sicko-city!

Medli: You're the sickitity sickiesterest sicko president of sicko-state!

Link: You're sickititickity sickiesterestestiestiest sicko of sicko-finity world of sicko-ness! Triple sicko-FINITY AND BEYOND!

Romani: Guys! Stop being stupid! But you're fine though, Medli.

Medli:*annoyed* Why exactly, farm girl?

Romani:*smugly* 'Cause you have been your whole life. OHHHHH!

Link: OHHHH! SHE JUST GOT _BURNED_! BURNED WITH A FIRE ARROW! BURNED LIKE BACON, BABY! BURNED LIKE . . . LIKE . . . never mind.

Medli: THAT CRACKS IT, FARM GIRL!

Romani: BRING IT ON, BIRD-BRAINS!

Link: Yay, they're gonna fight! I should probably stop them from fighting . . . but I'm not such a good person, so . . . GO ROMANI! WOO-WOO!

And the fighting begins. A half hour later, they are done because Romani beat Medli up. _Again._

Medli: I hate you all. I thought I could give you a chance, Link, but - you know what? Just throw me at the *beep* cave!*screech* NOW!

Link:*alarmed* Yiiiiii! Fine. Gosh . . .

Link picks up Medli, who is gnashing her teeth and cursing Link under her breath, and he throws her at the cave. Suddenly, her arms turn into big white wings and she does some sort of weird flailing motion and somehow "flew" over to the cave.

Medli: *gasp* Fshew! That was tiring. So anyways, Link -

Link: What? How are you tired!? And what kind of flight was that!?

Medli: Be quiet, stupe!

Link: And now my arms hurt . . . you're super heavy! Lay off the bird seed, *beep*!

Medli: Link, don't make me come down there again . . .

Link: HA! And what can you do to ME? What? What? Romani whooped your non-pants butt! Wait, why did I throw you up there again?

Medli: So I can get to the dragon Valoo!

Link: No one told me there was a flippin' dragon involved in this junk!

Medli: We didn't need to, coward!

Medli runs down the cave and that's the last they see of her.

Link: Maybe we can try to steal that kid's ball?

Romani: Oh yeah, Komali! I need to teach him about the world!

Link: I need to get his ball!

Romani:*uncomfortably* Orb, you mean.

Link: Yeah, whatevs.

They go back to the other side of the cold cave and climb up the broken bridge and go back inside. They go to Komila - er, Komali's - room and Komali as still rubbing his ball inside. He is still muttering.

Komali:*muttering* Me and Medli - tee hee hee, that sounds dreamy, just the day when -

Link: Komali!

Komali: Yeah, it'll be peachy, and I'll say -

Link: KOMALI! LISTEN, FOOL!

Komali:Yes, heheheheh, And we'll eat creme brulee, yes, that my father prepared and she'll say -

Link: **KOMALI!**

Komali: Wha-wha . . . ? How long where you standing there!? *notices Romani* Ah, a girl!

Komali hides under the covers.

Link: Long enough to be freaked out.

Komali:*muffled* What do you want from me?

Link: How many times will I have to *beep* tell you?! I - want - your - BALL!

Romani: If you give Link the ball - umm, _orb_ \- I'll tell you about the world!

Komali: Wow . . . please do!

Komali throws the ball at Link's head. Sadly, Link is too stupid to catch it.

Link: OOOWWW! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

Komali: *ignores Link* So tell me about the world!

Romani: *whispers to Link* I'll keep him busy. Now go!

Romani: *at Komali* So let's start with the moon!

Komali: *still under covers* Woah . . . sounds weird?

Link rolls his eyes and goes out of Komali's room. Then he sees a huge barrel that says Apple Cider.

Link: Yay! My cider! I should probably carry this stuff somewhere.

Link goes outside into the freezing winter. Somehow, the whole place is already covered in snow and snowflakes and ice are blowing everywhere. Link jumps down to the beach but Red Simba is gone.

Link: Oh no . . . wh-where is that re-re-retard n-n-now?

Link swims around the island. Finally Link finds a little cove in the back. Somehow, Red Simba is playing cards with a bunch of fish and a frog in a cloud.

Red Simba: So I said, "It's not a gun, stupid! It's a conductor's baton!"

They all laugh.

Link: Actually, I s-said th-that you were use-use-useless and r-retarded!

They stop laughing.

Red Simba: What? How'd you find us?

Link: J-just take th-this ball *puts the orb in Red Simba* and this c-cider*puts the cider in Red Simba*. Now g-g-g-good riddance!

They are silent as Link goes. Then a fish says, "So anyways, Mike, I heard there was a Triumph Fork on -

Link is now too far away to hear the guys laugh and talk about stupid stuff. He goes back around to the front of the island, climbs up the cliffs, and goes back inside. When he got inside, he walked to Komali's room and went inside there. Inside, Komali and Romani are still talking about the world.

Romani: And there these animals called cows and, boy, those are _so_ -

Link: Romani! Time to go!

Komali: Aww . . . but what about cows?

Link: What's a cow?

Romani:*gasp* Romani is ashamed of you Grasshopper!

Link: We need to go to Dragon Roost! I have a feeling . . .

Romani: But Medli's up there!

Link: I know, but something is

wrong . . . it feels like we need to go up there!

Author: Well there's a little thing called the storyline, and you UTTERLY DESTROYED IT!

Link: huh? Who's that?

Author: Errrrr . . . Everyone forgets there is an author and Author uses plot fix!

Link and Romani disappear and are suddenly in a pit thing.

Link: oh no . . . what is this?

Medli: oh, it's you Link.

Medli is playing cards with some pig monsters (bokoblins, I think). They grunt. Then they get up and pull out swords.

Link and Romani: Uh oh.

Link: Hey fellas! Why can't we talk about this?

The monsters don't say nything.

Link: That's it! YOU GOIN' DOWN, FOOL!


	9. Check These Awesome Dance Moves

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Check These Awesome Dance Moves

Link: Die, fool!

Medli: STOP! WE WERE ALMOST FINISHED WITH THE GAME!

Link ignores Medli jumps at Bokoblin and slices it in half. That's all. The other one starts crying and runs away somewhere.

Link: Wha-wha . . . ? NO! That was too easy to be true!

Suddenly some stupid looking birds fly in. They are holding huge ugly pig things(moblins). They look like Pumba from the Lion King on steroids or something. The birds drop the pig things in front of Link.

Link: I knew it was too good to be true. Hey, you guys! Are you tired?

Moblin: Actually, now that I think of it, I am quite tired. How about you Bob?

Bob the Other Moblin: Yes. Let's go sleep.

Link: Yes.

Romani: But you guys are supposed to be killing each other, Grasshopper!

Link: Says who?

Romani: Romani has heard legends of something called a "storyline" . . . sounds interesting, doesn't it, Grasshopper?

Link: Can you be quiet for a moment please?

The stupid moblins go in a corner and sleep. Link slices them up while they are sleeping. _Now_ they are sleeping. I'd call it deep sleeping. Cruel joke joke joke!

Medli: STUPE! NOW I CAN'T PLAY CARDS WITH THEM! THEY WERE JUST ABOUT TO TELL ME WHY YOU SHOULD HELP OUR ISLAND! *thinking* _Heheheheh . . .this should make him listen for once! Stupid little stupe . . ._

Link: Why the diggity dog would I _ever_ help your retarded little island?

Medli: If you do, you'll get a new weapon I have. And plus, you can't leave this place without that item. Heheheheheh . . . the Storyline told me this.

Romani: Aha! I told you the storyline is real!

Author: Ummm . . . Suddenly the legends of the storyline disappear forever!

Everyone forgets the legends of the magical "Storyline."

Medli: So what were we talking about again . . . oh yeah. So I have some items. You can have both items if you help my island!

Link: Yeah, sure, I'll help your retarded little island. Now gimme the -

Medli: A bup-bup! You must solemnly swear not to cheat me off! Pinkie swear! Swear on your life!

Link: Yeah, I solemnly swear, blah blah, pinkie swear blah blah.

Medli: you little - well, you'll get what's coming to you soon enough. Here it is.

She holds out a box. Link snatches it without evening thinking about what Medli just said and ripped it open.

Link hums the Treasure theme.

 _Doodoodoodoo doodoodoodoo_

 _Doodoodoodoo doodoodoodoo_

 _Doodoodoodoo doodoodoodoo_

 _Doodoodoodoo doodoodoodoo!_

 _Dah dah dah_ -

Link: AAAAAHH!

A bunch of keese fly out of the box and nibble on Link's face.

 _You got a . . ._ _ **box of Keese?**_ _That seems a little weird that you would even carry that around all day . . . but Medli's weird, so it doesn't matter either way._

Medli is laughing like a maniac and crying with joy, and even Romani is giggling.

Link: AAHH - DAGNAGGITY - GET OFF MY FACE YOU STUPID KEESE - OOH - OOOOWWCH! NO, NOT UP MY NOSE!

The keese fly away, leaving Link with a bloody nose and worse. You don't wanna know what "worse" means. Link curses under his breath and breaths in deeply.

Link: *screaming* **DAGNAGGITY DIGGITY FLIPPTITY TIPPITY STICKWICKTICKITY BIPPITTY DIPLIPPITY! CURSE YOU DAGNABIT ROOFS ISLAAAAAND!**

Medli:*giggling* Calm down, stupe!

Link: YOU'RE REALLY ASKIN' FOR IT MEDLI!

Romani: Just give us the gosh-darn item!

Medli: *is stopping giggling* OK, OK, here.

Medli hands Link a frayed and measly looking grappling hook and an empty bottle. How lame.

 _You got the_ _ **Lame Grappling Hook.**_ _It looks used and retarded. How lame._

Link: This is the item? Wow, Medli. _Wow._ It's amazing. Yay. Whoop-dee-doo. Yippee.

Medli: Just take the bottle!

Link takes the bottle.

 _You got a_ _ **Lame Musty Bottle.**_ _It has a weird musky scent to it . . . how lame. Don't lick it. I repeat, DO NOT lick it, Link._

Link: Something tells me I should have got this a long time ago . . . oh well! Can I lick this, Medli?

Medli: Sure, stupe.

Link: You're a stupe!

Romani: Why do you want to lick the bottle, Grasshopper?

Link: It might taste like food! I'm starving! You know it's my birthday, right, Medli?

Medli: *gasp* It is? Oh, I'm so sorry . . .

Medli kicks him in the crotch again and runs out of the little arena pit thing.

Medli: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STUPE! HAHAHAHAHA!

Link: I HATE YOU MEDLI! YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, *censored**beep*!

Romani: Brrr . . . Romani was so caught up in all the excitement, Romani didn't realize how cold she was!

Link has curled up into a ball and is cursing some more and whimpering.

Link: *grumble* I just wanna drink the *beep* cocoa and the *beep* cider with Romani at my private oasis . . . is it too much to ask for *whimper*?

Romani: What, Grasshopper?

Link: Umm . . . . nothin'. Just, umm . . . we have to go to the place where something happens! You know, that, um, the place with the, the thing that . . . thing . . . that does the . . .

Romani: You mean the area under the dragon's tail?

Link: Yes! Exactly! Perfect! Precisely! Incredible! Now let's go . . .

They go to a few cliffs leading downward to a door. There was a pole sticking out the mountainside.

Link: Hmmmm . . . it looks like you'll have to grab on to me or something to get across. *thinking* _This is gonna be epic!_

Romani: OK.

Romani jumps on to Link's back.

Link: *gasp* No, I didn't mean it that way . . .

Romani: Jump, Grasshopper! Jump! And www . . . You're costume is still a little bit gross. And what's that weird smell?

Link swings the lame grappling hook to the pole and swings across.

Romani: Woooo!

Link grapples to the next few poles and goes down to the little cliff with a door. Romani jumps off Link lightly while Link gasps and pants for air.

Romani: That was scary, Grasshopper!

Link: *gasp*Yeah, I guess . . .

Romani: Romani held on super tight!

Link:Oh, I felt it. I peed my pants, if you didn't notice. *wheeze*

Romani: What?

Link: Umm . . . Nothin'. So let's go in!

The duo go through the door. Inside, it is a volcanic room with a large pool of lava. About the pool there is a pole to hook on to so they can swing across the pool and to the large door on the other side of the room. So they swing across the the big door and go to the big door.

Link: how do we get in?

Romani: Ask that guy!

Romani points to a Magtail with a key under it. It is talking to itself. Link walks to the Magtail and says, "so hey . . can I have that key?

Magtail: What key?

Link: There's a key under you, stupid.

Link kicks the Magtail into the lava before it can respond, grabs the key.

 _You got a_ _ **Big Key!**_ _Now you can go drink apple cider with Romani when you finish the boss room!_

Link walks to the big door and unlocks it.

Link: see you later, Romani.

Romani hugs Link.

Romani: see you soon, Grasshopper!

Link: *sputters stupidly*you too, Romani . . . *starts thinking* _Tee hee! I got a hug from Romani! Now I just need the cider . . ._

Link goes inside the boss room _._

The boss room is huge inside. There is a big circle of lava in the middle. Above this is a strangely shaped hook. It sure looks weird . . . suddenly, a huge scorpion monster bursts from the lava.

Gohma: I AM GOHMA! YOU WILL DIE, POOPHEAD!

Link: Hey! Maybe I have to throw my grapple up at that weird hook thing!

Link tries it and and something roars. He goes anyways. The rock above Gohma falls onto his head. His shell cracks.

Link: Aha!

Link does this three more times until Gohma's sheep cracks off, leaving an angry and ugly monster. Link throws his grapple at it's eye a few times and it screechs in pain. Then Gohma blows up.

Link: WOO-WOO! CHECK THESE AWESOME DANCE MOVES, EVERYBODY! WOO-WOO!

Link does a stupid not so awesome dance.

The door opens and Romani runs in.

Romani:Awesome, Grasshopper! You did it! Let's get married, baby!

Link: Oh yeah! I've always loved you!

Then they get married. But sadly for Link (also luckily), this was just another one of his frightening fantasies.

Romani: GRASSHOPPER!

Link: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. Never

mind . . .

Suddenly, the lava turns into obsidian and some swirly looking wind appears.

Link: well, let's go in!

They go into the wind and it whisks them away . . .


	10. Christmas Shopping

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Christmas Shopping

Link and Romani end up at the frozen Dragon Roost beach. The are both shivering. Luckily Red Simba has come back to the beach.

Medli: Hey, Link!

Link: Oh, it's you *beep*.

Medli: Good job on saving my island . . . I guess.

There is a loud roar from Dragon Roost.

Link: stupid dragon . . . It should get a life!

It roared again.

Medli: Valoo said that you are the most annoying and whiny person he has met in a few millennia. He also says you are the true retarded one. Oh, and he told me to do this:

Medli pulls a harp off of her back and slams it in Link's face. Then she stomps on his foot really hard. Link screeches in pain.

Link: YEEOOOOOWWWWW! WHY THE DIGGITY DOG ARE YOUR TALONS SO HARD AND SHARP!? AND WHERE THE *BEEP* DID THAT HARP COME FROM!?

Medli: *ignores him* And that's all I have to say. Good bye, Link! Thanks for giving me someone to vent on!

Komali: MEDLI! Someone! Help! What is this junk!?

Komali is wandering around like an idiot in the snow.

Romani stumps through the snow to get over to Komila - er, Komali.

Romani: What is wrong, young prince?

Komali: *whiny* I'm so confuuuuuuused! What is this white stuff? Why is it so cold? And where's the sun that you talked about? The great star in the sky? You know? And where are the people? *Komali realizes it's Romani* Ah, it's a girl!

Komali covers himself in snow and curls up into a ball.

Romani: Well, right now it is winter, and the sun is harder to see often. And people are on other islands. Since it's winter, _Your_ people probably don't -

Komali:*stops being a weirdo* Huh . . . what island? What even is that?

Romani sighs.

Romani: Those are like Dagnabit - I mean, Dragon Roost _island_. _Island._ And see this blue stuff?

Komali gasps and looks over the blue stuff.

Romani: That is how you get to the other _islands._

Komali: So . . . much . . . to process . . . can't handle . . . THE PRESSURE!

Komali faints. Medli curses Link. Why Link, since he had nothing to do with this, we won't know.

Medli: Oh yeah . . . I almost forgot. Quill forced me to bring you these warm eskimo jacket things. Take em, Stupes.

 _You got an_ _ **Eskimo jacket!**_ _This nice warm jacket was prepared to help you stay warm in the winter! Thanks, Quill!_

Link puts his jacket on and stops shivering.

Link: Cool . . . tell Dumb Postman I said thanks! Now I am Eskimo Link! Cool!

Romani also puts on the jacket and stops shivering.

Romani: Cool . . . Romani isn't shivering anymore!

Link: Let's go Romani.

The jump into Red Simba.

Red Simba: Link, you have to -

Link: *mimicking Red Simba*Link, you have to blah blah blah!

Red Simba: Shut it, stupid!

Link: Shut it, retard!

Red Simba and Link: I hate you!

Romani: Calm down, guys!

Red Simba: Just get in me already.

Romani: Sheesh!

Romani jumped into the retarded boat.

Romani: Ooh! Apple cider!

Link: Yes! We can drink it together, finally!

Romani: Say what, Grasshopper?

Link: Ummm . . . nothin'.

Red Simba:We have to go south, so change the wind direction! Zephos the frog of wind told me that the Wind Waker is actually not a toy! Isn't that weird?

Link: that was a horrible pun.

Link plays a song. The wind changes direction.

Red Simba: Wait . . . how the *censored* did you do that!? I didn't even teach you the *beep* song!

Link: I'm naturally gifted! One's gifts grow when you listen to Queen music -

Red Simba: WHAT?! YOU LISTEN TO QUEEN!? NOT THE BEATLES? NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OH FARORE, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO MEEEE?!  
Link: Oh, shut up, retard! Do you even know what that means? Shut up?

Romani: *quickly* OK time to go! Let's go! Set sail or whatever, Grasshopper!

Link mutters something about Red Simba and not appreciating real music before he set sail.

Red Simba: I am ashamed, Link. Very disappointed.

Link: Well I hate the Beatles! They are bad!

Red Simba: *gasps* That is _so_ not true! They are more popular than Queen!

Romani: Romani likes a little bit of both.

Red Simba:*chuckles* Romani, Romani, Romani. One cannot like both the Beatles _and_ Queen. It does not work like that in our world.

Romani: Ohhh . . . well sorry, Red Simba. I'm still going with that.

Link: Heheheheheh . . . so do you like Queen? Huh? Or the other one. The Bottles.

Romani:*nervously* I like . . . the . . . umm . . . apple cider! I'm having some apple cider!

Link: Oh yeah! Can you pour me a cup?

Romani: Sure.

Red Simba: Hey, you have to get me a gift, guys!

Romani and LInk: Why the diggity dog would we ever do that?

Red Simba: It's almost Christmas!

LInk: *facepalm* Ohh, I forgot! Let's go to Windfall Island to get some Christmas stuff! It's time to go . . . Christmas shopping!

Soon they arrive at Windfall Island. Link jumps out of Red Simba with Romani and they look around. There is a choir of people caroling. Next to them is a bottle of Rupees.

People:*singing*

 _We wish you a merry Christmas_

 _We wish you a merry Christmas_

 _We wish you a merry Christmas_

 _And a happy new year!_

Link grabs their bottle of Rupees.

Romani: I wouldn't do that, Grasshopper . . .

 _You got a_ _ **Bottle of Rupees!**_ _It has, what, a purple Rupee and a yellow one . . . That's cool! But not so cool to the carolers . . ._

The carolers get angry and chase after Link and Romani. Link laughs evilly.

Link: Come get me, *beeps*!

Link runs up the hill with Romani following and goes to a shop with a little guy in a huge coat. There is a little building above the shop.

Guy in Coat: Do you have anything you wish to buy?

Romani shakes her head no, but Link ignores the guy and goes up some stairs that lead to a door. He goes inside. Romani follows Link into the room. It is a bar. A bunch of people are drinking eggnog. Link walks up to the bar.

Link: Hey, I'd like a mug of eggnog please.

Bar-keeper: You're _way_ too young to be in here drinking that stuff. Go back to your house, kid!

Link: I don't have a house! Now lemme try some eggnog, fool!

Link pulls out his sword.

Bar-keeper: OK, OK! Jeez . . . kids these days. Who let's their kid carry a sword around all day?

Link sheaths his sword and grabs the mug of eggnog.

Link: Neh-heh-heh-heh-heh! I love this stuff! Another!

Link throws the mug down. (Heheheheheh . . . quote)

Bar-keeper: Stop shattering my *beep* mugs!

Link orders four more mugs of eggnog. Then Romani intervenes before he orders ten more.

Romani: Ummm, let's go Grasshopper, yeah?

Link: FIne . . . you should try this stuff though, heh heh . . . pretty good.

Romani: Time to go, Grasshopper.

Romani drags Link out of the bar and down the stairs. Then she runs off somewhere. Link isn't really paying attention as he starts writing an order of hot chocolate from the Rito tribe. He puts a green Rupee in the mail with his letter.

Link: Uhhh . . . my stomach huuuuuurts . . .

Link stumbles to the beach and throws up in the sand.

Link: Bleaaaugh . . . that's gross. At least it doesn't hurt anymore.

Romani comes next to Link.  
Romani: Hey, Grasshopper . . . ready to go?

Link: I guess so.

Romani: OK, great, now carry this bag!

Romani drops a a huge bag into Link's arms.

Link: Wha-wha . . . n-no!*gasp* Stop it! What's in here, rocks?

Romani: Let's go!

They go down to the beach where Red Simba is.

Red Simba: Oh, it's you two. Link. I can't believe your nerve.

Link: *ignores that* OK, *gasp*, I'm going in.

Link throws the bag into the boat.

Red Simba: Ow! What's in there?

Link: Who knows . . . can we just go into the boat or whatever it's called and leave this crazy place?

Romani: Yeah.

The go into the boat, which is now very cramped.

Romani: *whines* But I barely have any spaaaaaace!

Red Simba: Be quiet! Now set sail Link!

Link: *mimicking* Oh, Link, set sail, blah blah blah! Bossy old nut . . .

Red Simba: SET SAIL IDIOT!

Link: WHENEVER I WANT, RETARD! Gosh . . .

The sail goes up and Red Simba glides through the water away from Windfall Island.

Link: I'm going to sleep. I need to heal myself . . .

Romani: Yes. *yawn* Romani is very tired. Good night, Grasshopper.

Red Simba: Hey! You have to control the boat, idiot!

Link: _You_ de boat. You control it. Good night Romani! *giggles stupidly* Love you!

Romani: what?

Link: ummm . . . nothin'.


	11. Formint Raveen

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Formint Raveen

I just realized that this whole time, I haven't been writing disclaimers! So . . .

I don't own the Legend Of Zelda The Lion King, and all the other things mentioned in this story. And I didn't come up with these things. Or did I? Hee hee hee hee hee . . .

It is morning. It has finally stopped snowing and the sun is just coming up over the horizon.

Red Simba: HHAAAAAAAAAAASATVETNAAAAA BABALHETSINAWAH! (Yeah I did)

Link: Wha-wha . . . ? YOU WOKE ME UP FROM MY AMAZING DREAM, RETARD!

Red Simba: well it's dawn! And the sun is coming up! You aren't having another creepy fantasy including Romani, are you?

Link: Erm, noooooo.

Red Simba: You know what? I don't think I wanna know.

Link: you, um, don't.

Romani: So where are we headed, Red Simba?

Link: GAAH! How long have you been up!?

Romani: A while now, Grasshopper!

Link: Umm . . . did you hear me earlier?

Romani: Not really. Romani definitely heard Red Simba though . . .

Link: Didn't we all . . . hey Romani, I'm starving. Do you have any food or something? Did you buy some last night?

Romani: Yes! I'll l get some out . . .

Romani pulls out a jar of ChuChu Jelly and some bread.

Link: Food! Well, I guess it can be used as food . . .

Link starts eating like a dog. Or a Moblin, I guess. Ha ha. Joke funny.

Red Simba: we are going to a place called Formint Raveen. There -

Link: *eating loudly* Wait! *munch* I've heard *chew chew* your Formint *munch* Raveen! It's _Forest Haven,*_ munch* retard!

Red Simba: I MEAN WHAT I MEAN, AND WHAT I MEAN I SAID! And chew with your mouth closed, you little scamp!

Link swallows his food, but he chokes. Romani slaps Link on the back really hard. Then he coughs out a bunch of gross stuff.

Red Simba: Ha! You deserve that!

Suddenly a bottle hits Link's head.

Link: Doh! *heheheheh sound familiar to anyone?*

A seagull flies down to Link.

Link: Get off you stupid bird! I hate seagulls!

Link slaps the seagull away. It screeches in annoyance and pain. Then it starts attacking him.

Link: OWW - OOOOH - DOH - STOP YA LITTLE MONSTER - GET OFF - MAKE IT STOP - OWCH! NOO! DON'T YOU DARE! OWWIE! NOT MY CLOTHES! GET OOOOOOOOOFFFFFF!

Link kicks the seagull and it flies off with his sleeve. Link curses and notices the bottle.

Link: What's this junk?

Link takes off the cork and pulls out a piece of paper.

Link: *reading it aloud* Dear big brother, please get me out of here! The other people in this cell with me are insane! Just hurry up, big bro! And don't reply to this message or I'll be found out! Love, Aryll.

Link puts the paper in his mouth and swallows it.

Romani: What the . . . why did you eat that, Grasshopper?

Link: I don't know. I just wanted to. I felt like it.

Romani: So what are you gonna do about your sister, Grasshopper?

Link: I'll think about it . . . but that money is the first priority!

Romani: Grasshopper, Romani really needs to talk with you about your relationship with your sister. It's frightening.

Link is about to say something, but Red Simba cuts in (ruining the moment as usual).

Red Simba: We are here! We are at Formint Raveen!

Link: Just stop pronouncing every *beep* word wrong, retard! It's Forest Haven!

Red Simba: Shut it, moron!

Forest Haven is pretty much a big stupid-looking tree of an island. Across from it is another tree that looks twisted and less stupid. Both of these trees are covered in ice and snow. But Red Simba steers himself towards the stupid-looking one.

Red Simba: Now get out, fools. Find a guy called the Duke Tree.

Link and Romani get out of their little retarded companion and don't even bother correcting him. Link sees something bobbing through the water.

Link: Hey! It's a Beedle Shop Ship! Let's go in!

Romani: Woah . . . sounds pretty cool . . .

They go into the ship shop. Inside is a sad, probably crazy guy sitting on a wet blanket near a little counter.

Link: Wow . . . _this_ is the great Shop Ship!? This is it!?

Beedle: Oh, a victim - I mean, um, dinner - I mean, um, customer, yah! Welcome to my - my sh-shop ship, yah, mon! What do you want to buy, mon?

Link: Why is this place such a *beep* dump? I'm done with you, wretch!

Beedle: N-no! Mother can't be disappointed in me, nah, man . . .umm, we have a p-prize for you, mon, if you - umm - buy thirty items, yah! A silver membership! So BUY BUY BUY, MON!

Link: A prize, you say?

Link buys thirty things.

Link: Gimme the prize! Now!  
Beedlie: OK . . . YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO GREAT, MON! I LOVE YOU AND STUFF, YAH! GOOD JOB! And that is all, mon.

Link: That's it?

Beedle: Yah!

Link: *growls* That's it?

Beedle: Um , yah, mon . . .

Link: *screeches* THAT'S ALL?!

Beedle: YAH, YAH YAH YAH, MON! Sheesh, brah mon!

Link punches Beedle in the head and he faints. Link takes all of Beedle's money and his money back, along with his useless junk. Then they go out of the shop shirt or ship shop and drop the Rupees and stuff off in Red Simba. Then they go up a hill thing. Nothing bothers them because it is almost Christmas, most people are watching A Christmas Story or something else Christmasy. The come up to what should have been a river, but it was frozen solid.

Link:*whines* Uuuuuh . . . I hate ice skating!

Romani: it isn't that bad, Grasshopper!

Romani jumps on to the ice lightly and glides across like a master.

Romani: Follow meeeee!

Link jumps on to the ice and falls face first on to the ice.

Link: Doh!

Link gets up and slip slides across the icy little river while Romani skates perfectly across. Who knows how you skate in boots, but this is Romani. And things can happen with her, as we know. Link somehow manages to slide across to the side where Romani is waiting impatiently for Link.

Romani: Finally, Grasshopper!

They go into a cave entrance where the frozen water is coming from. Inside, it feels peaceful. There is a huge tree in the middle.

Link: AAAAAH! IT HAS A HIDEOUS FACE!

Suddenly red and green blobs pop ups on the trees face. The tree starts crying and shaking it's head like an idiot.

Romani: Awwww . . . the tree hurts, Grasshopper! Save it!

Link:*in deep smooth voice* anything for you, bebe!

Romani: What?

Link:*normal* Ummm . . . nothin'.

Link rolls into the tree and the blobs fall off. They are ChuChus! Link slices them to bits. But not without losing some stuff . . .

Link: Oh, yeah! Check my - what's wrong, Romani?

Romani is looking away from Link.

Romani: Ummm . . . You might not wanna look down, Grasshopper.

Link: What is - YIIIIIIIII!

Link's clothes are gone! Oh no . . .

Link: Oh no . . . I'm gonna die of embarrassment. . . how'd that happen?! WHY YOU STUPID AUTHOR?!

Author: Ummm . . . Link forgets about the author forever!

Link forgets about the author forever. So anyways . . .

The tree looks down at Link.

Link: No, no, no! Look away, ya stupid tree! I don't have any clothes on!

Deku Tree: I know. Hey, you children of de forest! Koroks! Come out my little woodbabies! It's a naked child! Bring your pictographs out!

Ugly tree stump things with masks walk out from behind the tree and they all laugh at Link.

Link: Make it stop . . . and why is this so funny anyways!?

Deku Tree: it just is! We haven't seen one in a few thousand years! Hahahahaha! Loser!

Link faints of embarrassment.

Deku Tree: Someone take him to Hollo's room or something. Anyone?

None of the Koroks seem very eager to take Link to Hollo's room or something.

Random Korok: But sir, it is a naked child!

Deku Tree: You were just cracking up at the idea of this!

Random Korok: But still, sir!

The Deku Tree sighs.

Deku Tree: Fine. Just leave him. We'll wake him up soon. But don't laugh too much.

Random Korok: Yes sir!


	12. Help Us Mr Naked Child!

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Help Us Mr. Naked Child!

Link wakes up. Something is poking him.

Link: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. I forgot. And - OWCH! What is that!?

Romani is sitting in a corner looking embarrassed. A little wooden guy (a Korok) is poking him with a stick.

Link: Stop that! Why are you doing that anyways, you little imp?

Korok: I need to test humans! If I do this -

The Korok does it a few more times and Link gets up and throws himself into a wall. It just happened for no though . . . that stupid Korok must've hit some pressure spots or something else ridiculous.

The Korok laughs annoyingly.

Link grabs it's mask and tried to pull it off. The Korok stops laughing and squeals in pain.

Deku Tree: Now, now! Calm down, you two! Now, Hero, why are you here? Do you wish to be a model? *chuckles*

Link: Shut up! I want Farore's Pearl! Now give it to me, fool!

Deku Tree: Shut up and listen! I won't until I know you are truly the legendary hero and we do our ceremony!

Link: Well where are my clothes?

Deku Tree: They got ruined by those ChuChus. They are gone. But the Eskimo Jacket is just gone . . .

Link: WHAT!? I LOST MY JACKET?! I NEED THAT JACKET BACK RIGHT NOW! IT'S FREEZING OUT THERE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU FRIGGIN TREE!  
Deku Tree: *ignores the last part* One of the Koroks tried making clothes for you. You'll find -

A Korok floats down using some kind of leave propeller.

?: Sir, sir! Something amazing has happened!

Deku Tree: What has happened, Linder?

Linder: Sir, Makar fell into The Forbidden Woods! How cool is that?!

Deku Tree: I fail to see how you consider this funny. Do you consider _this_ funny?

He nods his big ugly head at Link.

Linder: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH - OH - MAKE IT STOP - IT'S SO FUNNY - I'M CHOKING - I'M GONNA FALL OFF - MY LEAF PROPELLER - OH - IT HURTS!

Linder falls off the leaf propeller and crashes to the ground, still laughing/dying/choking/crying.

Link: WHY DO SOME PEOPLE FIND THIS SO AMUSING?! WHY IS IT FUNNY!?

Deku Tree: We haven't seen a *beep* human in a few thousand years! But it's not like we want to . . . ha ha!

Link: I swear I'm gonna -

Deku Tree: *ignoring Link* Linder, answer my question!

Linder stops being weird and answers the Deku Tree.

Linder: Whaddaya want, old tree?

Deku Tree: No! You don't talk to me like that, young sapling!

Linder: Well fine! Gosh . . . it's good because Makar was a little *beep* *beep*.

Deku Tree: Why did it have to be Makar? Why not you?

Linder: I told that little monster to go as close as possible and he would get a lollipop if he got close enough. And he did it.

Deku Tree: But Makar is a good little tree!

Linder: You are clearly confused. Makar is a little _devil._

Deku Tree: Well we just can't start the Ceremony without him! It's not like any of you are actually talented!

Linder: HEY!

Deku Tree: Never mind . . . but still! He's the only one who knows how to do something . . . I forgot what it is. But it's something!

Linder: Stupid old tree . . . more like the Great Deku Nut! Heheheheheheheh . . .

Deku Tree: Shut up, Linder. Now, Link -

Link: How do you know my name?

Deku Tree: Your girlfriend told me.

(P.S.:Romani is still sitting in the corner, looking embarrassed.)

Link: No! It's not like that . . . yet. Heheheheheheheh . . . *Link starts having another weird fantasy we probably don't wanna put into this story because it's too corny and mushy: this is a humorous parody, remember that*

Deku Tree: Stop being a creeper, Link! And what are you doing? You're having a fantasy again, aren't you? The King Of Red Lions has told me about these happenings . . .

Link: Wha-wha . . . oh. It's you. *sigh*

Deku Tree: Now go get Makar now! And you'll have your Eskimo Jacket back and my stupid orb that I need to give away - man, that was a bad Christmas gift, Farore, but it works as a good Easter Egg, I would know - and your clothes back. We've resewed them for you!

Link's suit, fresh and not disgusting, pops up one of the Deku Tree's branches.

Deku Tree: Now go get this item I will pop out of myself. It will help glide to the Forbidden Forest.

The Deku Tree makes a constipated face and screeches in pain. A large leave pops up on The Tree's crown.

Deku Tree: Now get that by using these little plants called baba buds down there. Jump into them and they will launch Your girlfriend -

Link: NO! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT . . . yet. Heheheheheh . . .

Deku Tree:*ignores Link being a creeper* - can stay here or go with you. But it'll take long and it will be really boring using these retarded little baba buds. So use them carefully and don't fall to your death.

Link: Umm . . . OK.

Romani goes to the baba bud and launches up to the top. Then she is all the way up there.

Romani:*without turning around and looking down at Link: COME UP, GRASSHOPPER!

Link: Fine, fine! Gosh . . .

Link jumps into the baba bud and launches out, but he shoots straight at a Korok. The Korok looks up and squeals in surprise. Link rams into it and it flies into the Deku Tree's mouth. The Deku Tree spits out a sap-covered Korok. The Korok is making whimpering sounds and runs away.

Link: Doh!

Link goes in again and ruins things.

Six hours of pain and cursing later . . .

Link finally launches to the top where Romani is waiting. Or sleeping.

Link: ROMANI!

Romani jumps.

Romani: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh, finally, Grassh - Yiiiiii!

Romani turns around again quickly.

Romani:*without looking at Link* Umm, yeah, so I have a leaf or something . . . here it is.

 _You got a_ _ **Deku Leaf!**_ _It's a leaf that can be used as clothing . . . and you can use it to fly or something, I forgot._

They hear a Korok screech something at them. They jump. The Korok is at a little passage below them.

Korok: Come down here, Mr. Naked Child!

Link curses the Korok for calling him a Mr. Naked Child, the Deku Tree for sending him on the stupid fetch quest, because his clothes are gone, and just because he feels like cursing.

Link: Ok, how will we both get across?

Romani: *trying to look down at the Korok without looking in the wrong way(you know what I mean)*Don't expect Romani to hang on this time, Grasshopper!

Link: I don't.

Romani: HEY DEKU TREE! CAN YOU MAKE ROMANI A LEAF TOO?

Deku Tree: Ok.

The Deku Tree becomes constipated again for a second and a Deku Leaf pops up at Romani's feet. Romani grabs it. Then she jumps off the crown and uses the leaf to glide to the entrance. Link jumps after her and glides after her. They land at the passageway the Korok is standing at.

Korok: Go out there, Mr. Naked Child!

Link punches the Korok off the cliff and he screams as he falls off. But, considering the fact that Link doesn't think before he does something, Link remembers that he punched wood. Literally.

Link: OOOOWWCH! That hurt! Stupid woodbabies . . .

Link curses a lot more. I'm not a bad person, so I won't repeat what Link is saying. So anyways, they go outside through the passage.

Outside is the little ledge leading to the ocean, a little island deep out there, and the Forbidden Forest. And sadly, it has started snowing again.

Link: It's way too c-c-cold! Now w-way am I d-doing this!

Nearby Korok: Mr. Naked Child, I made it you a grass coat! It might fall apart soon, but it who or still help . . . take it!

 _You got a_ _ **Grass Coat!**_ _Now you might survive the cold winter night! And it looks good on you . . ._

Romani: Woah, Grasshopper . . . that looks good on you! And Romani doesn't have to see you naked anymore! Man, that was weird . . .

Link: Now let's do this.

Link slips on some snow.

Link: Doh!


	13. The Not-So Forbidden Forest

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

The Not-So Forbidden Forest

Note; sorry I made stupid mistakes last time: those will be fixed. In the meantime, I'll be more careful this time. Stupid autocorrect . . . Doh! And this first part won't be that funny, but I'll try . . . it's probably going to be the most serious part of the whole story, because Romani helps Link - well, you'll see. Hee hee hee!

Link: So who is going off first? And wait, we have to jump, right?

Link and Romani are standing at the edge of the cliff.

Korok: you have to use the Deku Leaf to glide across to the other island. On that island, your magic power will be refilled. But watch out, because magic power keeps your leaf going! P.S., a Korok will be waiting for you on the island. He will help you refill your magic powers. Then you will use the small cyclone to be blown towards the Forbidden Forest. From there, we can no longer help you. Now away with you, Mr. Naked Child!

Link: Stupid Woodbaby . . . OK, Romani. I'll go first. Just to be safe.

Romani: OK, Grasshopper . . .

Link: Hey Romani, you have a crush on me right?

Romani: Say what now?

Link: Ummm. . . nothin'. So I'll just go off on three: one, two . . . two and a quarter . . . umm, two and a half, two and a . . . a half and a quarter -

Korok: Just jump off the *beep* thing already!

The Korok shoves Link off the cliff.

Link: CURSE YOU WOOODBABYYYYY!

Link was expecting to fall and die, thanks to that stupid Woodbaby (or Korok, I guess)but instead, he glides across the ocean. It is really high up though . . . hopefully, Romani isn't afraid of heights.

Link: hold on hold on hold on hold on -

And Link tumbles on to the island just as the leaf runs out of float energy.

Link: Fsheww! That was scary.

Link turns around and waves at Romani. She jumps and glides over also.

Then she lands a little farther than Link in the snow.

The Korok waiting for them there goes over.

Link: What do you want, woodbaby?

Korok: Cut this grass! Now! Do it to regain your magic power!

Link: Regain your face!

Korok: What the *beep* are you talking about?

Link:*whines* Stoooop!

Romani: Link, I'm goin'! Bye!

Romani jumps into the cyclone and gets blasted to the Forbidden Woods.

Link: NNOO! REALLY?!

Link runs and jump into the cyclone and is blasted over to the Forbidden Woods too. But sadly for him, the cyclone blew away his clothes and now he's naked. Again. In the cold winter. Poor Link.

Link: DAGNAGGITY! IT'S SO *BEEP* COLD OUT HERE!

Link is trying to keep hold of the Leaf, but it is so cold, it is slipping out of his

grip . . . oh well. I wonder who the next hero is gonna be . . . Maybe he will not be so rude and annoying. But what is this? Our hero's grip is growing stronger . . . aw man. Sorry, but you know it's true. Link has never been more mean.

Link holds on just long enough to make it to the Forbidden Woods entrance.

He stops holding on and crashes on to the ground.

Link: So cold . . .

Link faints.

When he wakes up, he is in a depressing-looking place. It looks like the inside of an old tree. Romani is in a corner again, but is looking quite sad this time. Very depressing. Even for Link. So he decides to lighten the mood, and not in a good way . . .

Link: *thinking* _I wonder how Romani dragged me here . . . oh well. Heheheheheheh. . . this'll be easy! This is my chance to do this! *_ aloud* Good morning!

Romani jumps and looks around and sees that Link is awake.

Romani: G-grasshopper! What are - YIIIIIIIII!

Romani turns around again.

Link: Oh no . . . I forgot my clothes are gone! Now what'll I do!?

Romani: Maybe we can use some grass or something again . . .

Link: Maybe . . .

Silence.

Link:*to avoid an awkward moment* Well, let's get going! Off to find a Woodbaby!

Suddenly ChuChus start popping up. And they start making that annoying chattering sound. (It sounds like Alvin and The Chipmunks had _way_ too much coffee) But a ChuChu starts crying. Then they all look at Link and start crying.

Romani: What is wrong, little ChuChus?

ChuChu: *crying* That kid - isn't- wearing - anything - so it's- really - funny - Wwwwaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Link:*whines*STOOOOOP!

Link kicks the ChuChu, but it is still laughing/crying.

Romani: Link! Let's go!

She grabs Link's _hand_ (just his hand) and walks him to a door up ahead. Link is cursing the ChuChus and whimpering and muttering about stuff (Again, it's Link, so we probably wouldn't like to hear what he is saying) Romani lets go of Link.

Link: *when he has calmed down a tiny bit* Do you wanna talk as we go through the dungeon?

Romani: I guess so . . . so about you and your sister . . . (P.S. I am ditching the dungeon for now: all the people who played the Wind Waker, you KNOW you hated that dungeon and it's hard to write about anyways)

Link: What about her? She's whiny and annoying! And she never stops crying and tries to kill me dead with her *censored* seagulls! Oh, and did I mention the time she _blackmailed me for 70 Rupees?_

Romani: Yes, but have you not done worse, Link? (P.S. I thought you should know that Romani doesn't call Link Grasshopper because he's naked if you are wondering why she doesn't call him Grasshopper as much. She only calls him Grasshopper when she is cheerful. And for the third person speaking, she just talks like that. There is no stopping that)

Link: Hey! You didn't call me Grasshopper! For you, Romani, I only respond to Grasshopper.

Romani: But you just did respond!

Link: *whines* STOOOOOOPP!

Romani: Fine . . . Grasshopper.

Link: And, well, I was just making sure my place is fixed in the family! I am the family meister! Nyeh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

Romani:*sighs* Umm, it doesn't work like that, Grasshopper.

Link: Well still! I had to make sure that little *beep* wouldn't be a bigger *beep*!

Romani: Wait, what word was that?

Link: Umm . . . nothin'.

Romani: But, umm, oh yeah! Give me some example of a time where your sister did something nice for you.

Link: well, hmm, there was this one time on my birthday last year and she gave me a new bow . . .

Romani: Umm, that's good! I guess . . .

Link: . . . and she used it to blackmail me, so I broke it.

Romani: oh. Um, any others?

Link: That one was the nicest. Trust me, you do _not_ wanna hear the other ones.

Romani: It's that bad?

Link: Yeah.

Romani: OK, this'll be hard . . . so why are you rescuing her?

Link: To get the money she owes me!

Romani: That's all?

Link: And for her, I guess, but mainly the money!

Romani: Well think of some reasons you should get her.

Link thinks about it.

Link: Well you don't have a super annoying little sister! But . . . I guess she still tries to be nice and stuff . . .

Romani: Go on! Go on!

Link: *whines* STOOOOOOP!

Romani: What, what?!

Link: look what you did!

Romani:*confused* But Romani didn't do anything!

Link: Yes you did! Now I'm guilty about letting her get kidnapped in the first place! Guilt is for losers! Pride is for men!

Romani:*disgustedly* Do you even hear yourself, Grasshopper? Either you are sick, or you had _way_ too much ChuChu jelly this morning. Maybe this'll get the truth into your head. Sorry Grasshopper, but do you mind?

Link: Mind what?

Romani randomly smacks Link in the face.

Link: OOOWWIIEE! What was that for?! You can't do this to your lover!

Romani: What?

Link: Ummm . . . Nothin'. *gasps* Oh no! I got a guilty epiphany!

Link lets the epiphany of guilt sink in, then he realizes that deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep DEEP down, he might possibly (1 out of 100) actually . . . love his sister? No!

Link starts showing proof of MPD through the following conversation with himself (aloud).

Link's Dark Conscience: No! There is literally no _way_ you like that *censored* *censored*!

Link's Light Conscience: No, Link . . . everyone feels guilty -

Link's Dark Conscience: And remember the Great Pig Incident? Man, that was bad. And it was all her fault.

Link's Light Conscience: Shut the *beep* *censored* up!

Link: Woah! I thought you were the good side of me!

Link's Light Conscience: Well I got it from the source, home boy! You! So anyways, Linky, old boy, save your sister! After all the good things she's done for you, like give you Rupees and stuff . . . and you got slapped in the face by Romani! Now _that's_ special!

Link:*exited* Yeah . . . maybe if I get my sister and stuff, then Romani will love me back and I will get hugs and more!

(Remember Romani is watching all of this in confusion)

Link's Light Conscience: Not another creepy fantasy, Link . . . but thanks for the talk!

Link's Dark Conscience: Oh, fine. You'll regret this when you're in your 20s . . .

Link goes back to normal. Romani doesn't seem to have noticed that Link said a lot of creepy things(Romani's brain just doesn't want to accept the fact that he has a crush on her, so she doesn't even _consider_ that idea)

Romani: Errr, Grasshopper?

Link: Yeah?

Romani: So do you, um, wanna, you know, rescue your, err, um, sister?

Link: Definitely! I've realized what I did wrong . . . I guess I do need a little sister to be annoying. *deep smooth voice*Thanks Bebe!

Romani: Whaaat?

Link: Ummm, nothin'. Now let's get on with this stupid place! We have the boss key (wait, we got the boss key?)and the Boomerang (huh?), so now it is time to fight the boss and save the stupid Woodbaby Makar!


	14. Kalle Demos The Chessmaster

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Kalle Demos The Chessmaster

Romani: Good luck, Grasshopper! I would hug you, but . . . well, you know.

Link: *disappointed sigh* I know. How about a little kiss?

Romani: For sure!

And then . . .

Romani: GRASSHOPPERRRR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Link looks like he is about to hug Romani. Yes. Link is very weird. I already know. I'm the *beep* author.

Link: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. Never mind.

Link and his creepy creeper fantasies . . .

Romani: So anyways, good luck, Grasshopper!

Link goes into the boss room. Inside is a tiny Korok standing on a big flower.

Korok: Help me, ya stupid little *beep* kid!

Link: Shut it, you vertically challenged Woodbaby!

The Korok is about to say something, but the flower it is standing on moves. The petals raise up and curl like a baba bud., and tentacles grow from under the flower. It is a monster! A big, big monster . . .

Kalle Demos: I am Kalle Demos! You shall die, troesposser!

Link: Wait! Umm . . . are you bored?

Kalle Demos lowers tentacles.

Kalle Demos: Kalle admits, "well actually, I am very bored. But why are you asking, troesposser?"

Link: I have a, um, game!

Kalle Demos: Kalle asks, what is it called, troesposser?

Link: I call it . . . um, Chess! That's it, Chess(Yes, Link _did_ create chess! How would you not know that?)!

Kalle Demos: Kalle wonders aloud, "So how does it work, troesposser?"

Link: So, um, you have this board, right?

Kalle Demos grabs a large chunk of wood.

Link: Now, um, carve a, um, a pattern of squares on the wood.

Kalle Demos does this.

Link: *getting the idea of his game* So get some more wood and make any kind of characters you want.

Kalle Demos etches circles and shapes on their heads.

Link: Yeah, that'll work. Now let's get started on the rules . . .

Link explains the rules of this interesting game, "chess", to Kalle Demos.

Link: And that is how you play chess! I guess . . .

Kalle Demos: Kalle says in pleasant , "This looks cool, troesposser! Let's get started!"

They start the game of chess(I won't describe it: sorry, but again, this is a _humorous parody,_ not a chess match). Somehow, Kalle Demos literally beats Link at his own game (Currently, Link doesn't have the mental capacity due to too much ChuChu Jelly, being naked for the whole day, and being out in the cold winter naked. And he's woozy from when Romani unexpectedly slapped him in the face. Wow, that was surprising, even for me, the Author. Poor Link. Poor, poor Link.).

Kalle Demos: Kalle Demos won! Kalle Demos says, "Thanks for teaching Kalle about this new game, troesposser!"

Link: No prob!

Kalle Demos:Kalle says with a heavy heart, "Now, um, sorry troesposser, but Kalle has to kill you!"

Link: Why?

Kalle Demos: Kalle admits, "Ganon hired me to fight you!"

Link: Well screw Ganon and play chess! I was going to take him down anyways! All I need is that stupid little woodbaby, Makar!

Kalle Demos: Kalle thinks for a little bit, and he says warily, "OK . . . here, troesposser. I guess I didn't really like the "Woodbaby" much . . .

Kalle Demos shoots the crazy Woodbaby Makar out of himself through the ceiling.

Kalle Demos: Kalle Demos tells the troesposser, "He should have landed in the Deku Tree's domain. Now let Kalle Demos get you back there as thanks to teaching Kalle a fun new game!"

Romani goes into the room.

Romani: Grasshopper? Everything going OK in here?

Link: When you're around, bebe, everything's better than OK. Heheheheheh . . . *starts having another mushy and weird fantasy we won't put into this story because I'm not evil*

Romani: Grasshopper? What are you doing? Why are you drooling?

Link: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. Ummm . . . nothin'.

Romani: And why is this big boko baba here? Why is he not dead yet!?

Link: I showed him a game and made him happy! Now can we go? I need to pee. And I'm sure you don't wanna watch . . .

Romani: OK, OK! I'll go!

They let Kalle Demos grab them and shoot them to Forest Haven.

To Link, it feels like a few seconds and he is suddenly standing in front of the Deku Tree with Romani.

Deku Tree: Wha-wha . . . ? Link! How did you get here? Makar, did he escort you here? What happened?

Makar is is standing behind Link. When Link looks at him, Makar looks at Link so murderously, Link whimpers and sniffs and his nose starts bleeding.

Deku Tree: Stop crying Link! And why is your nose bleeding?

Link: I don't know!

Deku Tree: OK . . . so, um, let us start the ceremony!

Makar: *probably fake crying* WAAAH! O Great and Powerful Deku Tree, I am so sorry for going so close to the Forbidden Woods! Please forgive me!

Deku Tree: It is OK . . . I will beat you after the ceremony. Prepare your measly defenseless body for this hotness. Now play your *beep* song! Now!

Makar pulls out a violin bigger than him and plays an upbeat, catchy theme. Link doesn't like this, so he kicks Makar halfway through the song. Makar bites Link's leg(who knows how Makar would bite someone) and whacks him with the violin. Then, from there, it sort of turns into an all out Makar-Link fight. When they are done, Link's hands are throbbing, he has a black eye, and probably worse. Makar seems almost perfectly fine, despite the fact that he is crying(probably faking)and his mask is really torn. I wonder what's behind the mask . . .

Link: You little *beep* Woodbaby! I hate you!

Makar:*fake crying*WAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Deku Tree: LINK! Do not attack our Violin player! He is the only talented Korok!

All The Koroks: HEY!

Deku Tree: I mean, um . . . he is cool or something, so don't attack him!

Makar blows a raspberry at Link.

Link: I hate that little *beep*!

Romani: Calm down Grasshopper!

Link start muttering to himself and cursing.

Deku Tree: One sec, I need to grow my seeds for these *beeps* to spread the forest . . .

The Deku Tree becomes constipated and it rains huge seeds and the Koroks fly into the air and catch them. Then the Koroks fly off. Makar is still standing uncomfortably close to Link.

Random Korok: Bye, Mr. Naked Child! Thank you for giving us laughter!

And the Koroks fly off laughing.

Suddenly, something hits Link's head.

Link: Doh!

Makar: Ha ha! Loser!

Link holds his head and curses Formint Raveen and Makar.

Deku Tree: That's Farore's Ball or something, now take it and let me beat Makar already!

Link grabbed Farore's Pearl.

 _You got_ _ **Farore's Pearl!**_ _The Deku Tree didn't need this because it was a bad Christmas present, and he gave it away to you!_

Deku Tree: Oh, I almost forgot! Here are your new clothes! And your eskimo jackets are under that pile of leaves. Get em.

Link: Oh, so that's what you call "lost"? Really!?

The branch holding Link's new clean clothes rustled and his clothes fell into his arms.

 _You got_ _ **Link's New Clothes!**_ _They look amazing on Link and feel really warm! And, um, now you can hug Romani . . ._

Link: Aw yeah boyyyyyy!

Link puts on the warm snug clothes.

Romani: Woah, Grasshopper . . .

Link: What? What? It looks great on me, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Doesn't -

Romani: Um, Romani can't really answer that(that means yes). Now can I have my jacket?

Link picks both their eskimo jackets and hands the slightly smaller one to Romani.

 _You got back_ _ **The Eskimo's Jacket!**_ _Now you won't be cold in the winter! Thanks again, Dumb Postman!_

Deku Tree: Now go, go!

Link and Romani go towards the exit, but before they leave Link throws a rock at Makar. Then they go outside into the cold winter night (yes it is night again). Then Romani remembers . . .

Romani: Oh,Grasshopper! Romani almost forgot! I owe you a hug!

Romani hugs Link.

Link: *thinking* _Score! *s_ tarts having another creepy fantasy*

Romani: Uhh . . . Grasshopper? Can we stop now?

Link is still hugging Romani.

Romani: Grasshopper? Hello?

Link: *chuckles stupidly* Heheheheheheheheh . . .

Romani: GRASSHOPPER!

Link is still not responding.

Romani: **GRASSHOPPERRRRR!**

Link: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. Wait wait wait wait! I NEED TO GO PEE -

NOW!

Romani: Right now?

Link: OF COURSE RIGHT NOW! LET A MAN PEE IN PEACE! DON'T MAKE ME PEE ON YOU!

Link goes down the waterfall and pees in a Boko Baba. It springs out.

Boko Baba: Hey! What's going on? Stop peeing on me, you sicko!

Link: One sec . . . OK. I can kill you now.

Link slices off the Boko Baba's head and pulls his pants (tights and dress) back up. Then Romani jumps down the waterfall after Link. Luckily, she jumped after Link after he was done. If not, there would be troubles. I won't talk about these troubles. Read about these "troubles" somewhere else, I don't care where.

Romani: ready to go, Grasshopper?

(P.S. Whenever Link talks in the "deep smooth voice," I am calling it the Lil' Player Voice from now on. Link _is_ a lil' player anyways. You know it's true, considering how many girlfriends he has)

Link:*Link in the Lil Player voice* I'm always ready for you, bebe.

Romani: Whaat?!

Link: Ummm . . . nothin'. Now let's go find Red Simba the Retard!

When they get down the the place where Red Simba left them, he isn't there(as Link suspected).

Link: *long nasal sigh* Wait one second. Stay here. _Right_ here.

Link swims around the island. He finds a tall island. At a little place at the bottom, he also finds Red Simba chugging the apple cider somehow.

Link: HEY! WHAT THE DIGGITY DOG DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!

Red Simba: *stops chugging the cider* YAARGH! How the *beep* did you get here!?

Link: I always do! Captain Crawfish is amazing that way!

Red Simba: Stop referring to yourself as Captain Crawfish, you little creeper! You don't even have on the right costume!

Link: YOU'RE A CREEPER!

Red Simba: Only creepers do what you do! I know you stared at Romani for at least _3 hours_ before you went to sleep. I remember it well. Muttering away about stuff I won't talk about and attempting to hug her! I saw you! Luckily I made a few sharp turns and twists to throw you off!

Link: I _knew_ Romani wasn't pushing me away! That's very reassuring. . . *starts having another creepy creeper fantasy*

Red Simba rams into Link and gets him into the boat somehow.

Link: Wha-wha. . . ? Oh, it's you.

Red Simba: Now come on! Let's get Romani!

Link: Romani? Heheheheheheh . . .

Red Simba: I really don't wanna know what you're thinking. You have a serious problem.

Red Simba sails to the place where Romani is waiting. Romani climbs into Red Simba.

Romani: Now where are we going next?

Red Simba: We are going to Gritfig Island! We might be too late if you fought Kalle Demos, so we must hurry!

Link: How do you know about Kalle?And Gritfig sounds wrong . . . shouldn't be Greatfish island?

Red Simba: I MEAN WHAT I MEAN AND WHAT I MEAN I SAID! NOW LET'S GO, CREEPER! PUT THE *beep* SAIL UP!

Link: Fine. Gosh. Hey, Romani?

Romani: Yes, Grasshopper?

(I don't know how Romani still puts up with Link patiently, but again, it's Romani)

Link: You _do_ have a crush on me, right? Right? Right?

Romani: Err, Romani isn't ready not to answer that question(that means probably). Hey, is anyone else hungry?


	15. Gritfig Island

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Gritfig Island

Romani:*waking up* What is that?!

The trio are sailing the Great Sea to Gritfig Island. And Link is trying to stretch his legs without kicking Romani and waking her up. And he is failing.

Link: Sorry, but my legs are really hurting! They are starting to -

Link gasps in pain.

Link: Owww! It fell asleep, dagnaggity!

Link curses a lot more.

Romani: Well please stop kicking around Grasshopper!

Link: I'll try . . . if only Red Simba here would let me take a stretching - ah, m' leg! The pain!

Red Simba: No!

Link stops kicking around.

Link: Well, fine. Gosh.

Silence.

More silence.

Even longer silence. Now things are getting boring . . .

Suddenly, it starts raining freezing rain.

Link: Oh, *beep*! Why does it have to be so cold out here!?

Romani: Yeah, it is freezing . . .

Link:*in Lil' Player voice* If you're cold, bebe -

Romani: No.

Link: OK, OK, I won't.

Red Simba: *coughs*Ahem, hem, creeper, ahem, hem.

Link: Shut up! It's just being a good person, right, Romani?

Romani: Um, I guess, but this is kinda different, Grasshopper.

Link: Well I can play any instrument! So there, Red Simba!

Red Simba: Oh yeah? Take this souvenir from The Hylian Gift Shop!

Red Simba tosses Link an ocarina with his mouth.

Romani: Hey! That's the Ocarina Of Time! How did you get that, Red Simba?

Red Simba: From the gift shop! There are many things there, like retarded looking masks, weird paintings, and some kind of triangle. The triangle cost a _lot_ , but sadly I lost it somewhere.

Link: A triangle is on my retarded shield . . . maybe that has something to do with your triangle!

Romani: Play the ocarina already!

Link plays Saria's Song. (If you don't know what that is, search up Lost Woods on Google)

Red Simba: How the *beep* did you do that?

Link: I'm naturally gifted! When you listen to Queen, the best band in the world, you tend to have skills!

Link plays the main part of Don't Stop Me Now.

Red Simba: Gimme that, numbskull!

Link gives Red Simba the ocarina, and Red Simba plays The Song Of Storms.

Red Simba: Ha! Who has talent now?

Red Simba attempts playing Hey Jude, but he fails horribly.

Romani: Ow! My ears!

Link: Ha! What's so good about your Beatles now?

Red Simba: I really hate you Link . . . oh no!

Red Simba curses Link and Romani.

Red Simba: It is too late! You boobs took away all our time!

Gritting Isle is destroyed! The island is uneasily silent and empty, and no people are in the wreckage. Red Simba floats up to the ruined island in dismay.

Red SImba: I knew we had little time, but I never suspected -

Dumb Postman: HO, THERE! LINK!

The Dumb Postman comes flying in through the fog and rain. He is carrying a barrel of something. He flies down to where they are at.

Dumb Postman: *panting* Hiya, Link! *wheeze* So you've arrived! *hack* Um, is there any chance *wheeze* that you are looking for Jabun, the *wheeze* *cough* great spirit? Well he*hack* decided to*wheeze* move outta here. Just look at this*cough* dump . . . I guess that *cough* crazy shadow from *hack* the Forsaken Fortress *wheeze* is behind this *cough* insanity. But don't worry! *wheeze*

Link: Stop coughing and stuff! Now can I have the hot chocolate that I ordered yesterday?

The Dumb Postman pushes the barrel at Link. Link grins evilly, grabs two cups, and pours himself and Romani two. He drinks one, and he hands the other one to Romani.

Link: Is it still nice and hot?

The Dumb Postman nods, still panting from the long trip.

Link: Great!

In a second, his cup is gone.

Link: Mmmm, that stuff is good! And it really _is_ warm!

Dumb Postman: So anyways, don't *wheeze* worry! Jabun's *cough* in a safer *wheeze*place.

Silence.

Dumb Postman: Don't you*wheeze* wanna know what the *cough* *wheeze* island is?

Link: Honestly, I don't really care. And why do we need Jabun anyways?

Red Simba: He has Naryu's Pearl! We need that!

Link: Yeah, but why do we need these pearls in the first place?

Romani:Yeah! Now that I think of it, why _do_ we?

Red Simba: You'll see later! Now what island is it, idiot?

That was the last straw for Romani.

Romani:*screech* STOP BEING SO*beep* MEAN AND RUDE, YOU *censored* RED SIMBA AND LET ROMANI *censored*ASK THE *censored* QUESTIONS! *beep*! (this is the only time Romani blows up in the whole story, so don't expect anymore of it)

Everyone (including me, the author: I did NOT plan on writing that) is surprised at Romani's explosion of rage.

Red Simba: Err . . . OK.

Romani: *back to being cheerful* So anyways, Mr. Quill, what island is it?

Dumb Postman: Um, it's Outburst - err, Outset Island.

Link: Oh, *beep*! Do I really have to go back to that *censored* island?

Red Simba: Of course you do, bonehead!

Link: That doesn't mean much coming from a retard like you!

Red Simba: I hate you!

Link: I hate you more!

Romani: Stop arguing guys! So did you have anything else to say?

Dumb Postman:*is no longer exhausted* Well, I wouldn't go back there fellas! The cave he's hiding in is sealed with a mighty fine stone slab that repels nearly anyone! Why, now that I remember, even the big ol' pirates couldn't get in!

Link: What? How do they know about Jabun? What did you do, Dumb Postman?

Dumb Postman: Well, ah, I may have told them some things.

Link: You idiot! Why the - wait, by any chance, was the leader a girl with a serious tan and a bun?

Dumb Postman nods.

Link: Was her name Tetra?

Sadly for Link, The Dumb Postman nods again.

Link curses Tetra for being Tetra and Farore and the Storyline for letting them meet in the first place. When he almost finished cursing Farore, a bolt of green lightning strikes an inch away from him and he is on fire.

Link: AIII! OK, OK! UN-*beep* FARORE! UN-*beep* FARORE!

The fire goes away.

Link curses Tetra and curses something not very specific, it was probably Something bad about Farore and The Storyline.

Link: Stupid Goddesses . . .

Romani: Where are the Pirates, Mr. Quill?

Dumb Postman: They were last seen at Windfall island.

Romani: OK! Let's go then! Set sail, Link!

Link: s-set sail? Sure! *muttering to himself* Set sail . . . To me! Wow, she never said that before, what's next, another hug, another slap in the face, fun, fun, yes, not all are so fun, but worth it in the -

Red Simba:*cough*Ahem, hem, creeper, ahem, hem.

Link: SHUT UP! NOW CAN WE GO TO WINDFALL ISLAND ALREADY?!

Red Simba: We're waiting on _you,_ you moron.

Link: Again, not much coming from a retard like you. For all we know, you could be a telekinetic boat! Oh wait, I forgot! You are!

Red Simba: *growl* Put - the - sail - up. You will NOT regret it.

Link: Well I -

Red Simba:*roar* **NOW!**

Link whimpers and puts the sail up. Romani stands up in the boat.

Romani: Goodbye Mr. Quill! Thank you for the information!

Dumb Postman: No problemo, kiddo!

The Dumb Postman flies away through the cold rain. Romani sits back down.

Link: To Windfall Island! Oh wait wait WAIT! DUMB POSTMAAAAANN!

The Dumb Postman does not turn around.

Link: Oh, that little . . . QUUIIILLLLL!

The Dumb Postman turns around and flies straight to Link.

Dumb Postman:*bows* Was I called for, Young Master?

Link: I ain't no young master! Shut up fool!

Dumb Postman stops the bow.

Dumb Postman: Whatcha need, kid?

Link: Come here.

Link whispers to The Dumb Postman.

Romani doesn't even try eavesdropping on Link because she knows better and her sister has definitely scolded her enough for that, but since Red Simba is retarded and likes the Beatles, he is trying to eavesdrop. Romani kicks him in the head to make him stop. Romani would not do this on a normal occasion, but since Red Simba is a retarded boat, she made an exception. Red Simba completely ignores this. Romani growls in annoyance. Red Simba leans in . . .

Dumb Postman: Wow! That's big! But aren't you a little too young for that?

Link: No! Youth will not get in the way of love! I have 2000 Rupees in my pocket - that good for you?

Dumb Postman: Kid, are you trying bribe me?

Link: What does it look like, fool!?

Dumb Postman:*ignores*Yeah, I'm not sure I can provide. Or, at least, I wouldn't be eager to provide. I not a fan of that . . but I'll help with the other thing.

Link: OK, great. Here's your pay, my good man.

Link hands The Dumb Postman a purple Rupee. Then they stop whispering. Links looks at everyone suspiciously.

Link: Was anyone listening to our conversation?

Romani kicks Red Simba again. He curses.

Link: I really hate you Red Simba.

Red Simba: I'll talk to you about that soon . . .

Link: Thanks Dumb Postman!

Link gets back into the retard Red Simba and they sail away.

Link: Good night Romani! *Link giggles like an idiot*

Romani: Good night Grasshopper!

Romani curls up. She is probably not asleep. Link engages in creeper activity once again(stares at Romani).

Red Simba: Stop that, creeper!

Link: Shut up, fool! I'm on watch

duty. . . *giggles like an idiot again*

Red Simba starts humming Hey Jude.

Link starts humming Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy. They glare at each other.

Both: Be quiet, stupe!

Link: Just let me finish staring at Romani!

Link goes back to staring at Romani.

Red Simba continues humming . . .


	16. Frogspawn's Return

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Frogspawn's Return

Link is still staring at Romani. Red Simba is now humming Here Comes The Sun even though it is night, and it has been a few hours since they left Gritfig Island.

Suddenly Link starts singing I Want You Back loudly and dancing. The

Link:*still staring at Romani*

 _*singing*_

 _When I had you to myself_

 _I didn't want you around_

 _Those pretty faces always made you stand out in the crowd_

 _When someone picked you from the bunch_

 _One glance was all it -_

Red Simba: Stop that!

Link ignores him and sings the whole song. When he is done, he repeats it.

Red Simba: NOOO! NOT AGAIN!

Link: *singing*Won't stop 'till you get enough! OWWHH!

Then Link starts singing that song.

Red Simba: OK, OK! I'll stop humming! Jeez . . .

Link stops singing. Then he looks up.

Link:*still staring at Romani* Why is it still raining? It' been a few hours already!

Red Simba: Why is it still night? That - is the question.

Romani wakes up. Sadly, Link is still staring.

Romani: Wha-wha . . . *yawns* oh, good morning, Grasshopper.

Link:*In Lil Player voice* Why, good morning!

Red Simba:*coughs* Ahem, hem, creeper, ahem, hem.

Link: SHUT UP, RETARD!

Romani: Why are you staring at Romani, Grasshopper?

Link: I wasn't! I was, um, checking the water, for, um, fish to eat! Yeah! Fish! Yum yum! Yea, there was a mighty fine one on your side!

Red Simba: We are almost there! Hey Link, you should get some sleep.

Link:*suspiciously* Why do you care?

Red Simba: 'Cause I'm really getting sick of you and if you are awake any longer, you'll get hurt. Now go to sleep, or else . . .

Link: OK! Gosh . . .

Link curls up and sulks.

Link: Ha HA! There's no way I'm going to sleep!

Romani: Drink this, Grasshopper.

Romani hands Link a bottle of purple stuff. Link trusts Romani, so he takes it and drinks.

 _You got a_ _ **Bottle Of Purple Stuff!**_ _You trust Romani, so you'll drink it . . ._

Link chugs the purple stuff. Then he doubles over.

Link:*in a slurred voice* MAN! That stuff's - g-g-good! More!*hiccup*

Suddenly he faints.

Red Simba: What was that stuff?

Romani: Mixed ChuChu Jelly! Romani knew it would work . . . and Grasshopper needs some sleep anyways.

Link wakes up an hour or two later back in Red Simba. It is snowing lightly. He can make out the shape of Windfall Island and a large pirate ship.

Link: *yawn* Ohhhh, that was a good sleep. But I am mad.*whines* I don't wanna go to sleeeeeeep!

Romani:*ignores Link* Good morning Grasshopper! Are you ready to go find the pirates?

Link: I guess so. *yawns again*

They get out of Red Simba, who hadn't said anything.

Link: What's wrong with the retarded boat?

Romani: He is moping. He is mad Romani doesn't like the Beatles.

Red Simba: *wail* WHYYY, FARORE? WHYYYY?! (Even the retard Red Simba isn't stupid enough to curse Farore)

Link: Oh, shut up, you!

Red Simba pulls out the Ocarina Of Time and plays Hey Jude, horribly failing.

Romani: Romani also had to suffer with this madness the whole trip. You know, you're really insulting the Beatles by playing that, Red Simba.

He keeps playing the Ocarina, messing up awfully on some notes.

Link: Let's get away!

Link and Romani run away to the closest shop.

Romani: Let us in!

?: Like, no way! Only, like, pirates, can like, get in here, like yeah.

They go away from the door.

Link: I know that guy! It's a stupid pirate who likes dancing! His name is Gonzo! We found those *beep*s! Now I can kill them for launching me in a barrel into space! But how do we get in . . . ?

Romani: Romani knows a way!  
Romani goes to the edge. There is a little cliffside that leads to the back of the bomb shop. Romani brings out her Deku Leaf and glides across the gap because that is simply the easier way across. Link follows her across.

Then she goes to a wall at the back. There are vines leading to the roof. They climb up these vines. When they are up, Link signals Romani to stay there. Then he crawls into a little hole for him to crawl into.

Inside, Tetra and her pirate crew are carrying boxes. An ugly monster with big hair like Mickey Mouse's ears is tied up and wriggling around in a corner. Tetra is leaning on the wall doing nothing, because she's Tetra, but her pirate buddies are doing all the heavy lifting. But Gonzo is dancing. As always. . . idiot.

Gonzo:*dancing to some random song nobody really cares about* That was, like, cool how you, like, tricked that stupid, like, Rito guy!

Mako The Pirate: Why, thank you!

Gonzo:*stops dancing* Yeah, if you and Miss, like, Tetra had a, like, kid, he would _so_ be the, like, coolest pirate, like, on the sea!

Gonzo starts giggling stupidly. (Why Nintendo? Why?)

Mako: Shut up, nitwit! And isn't that a little illegal? Miss Tetra's only 12! And, well, no offense, but that is, um, a bad thing. I forgot the word for it . . . I guess you're perverted. (It's true! Gonzo has fantasies about Tetra having a baby with an adult!) Miss Tetra! Listen to this perverted moron!

Tetra:(keep in mind Tetra has been listening to this whole awkward conversation) Get back to work, slaves! And stop making perverted jokes, Gonzo! It's not funny, it's retarded!

Mako: You hurt my feelings! I'm not a slave!

Tetra: You are a moron. Well, you're smart, I guess. Gonzo is a perverted moron.

Mako: But we are trying to help you! Don't you want the treasure?

Tetra: *distractedly*: Yeah, I want the, you know, treasure . . .

Tetra looks down and somehow notices that Link is up there. She looks up and widens her eyes. Then she grins evilly and winks. Link doesn't really get that and he doesn't like Tetra, so he gives her The Finger. Then he sticks his tongue out.

Tetra stares daggers at Link. Then she makes a fist and punches it into her hand. Then she glares harder and looks back down.

Mako: . . . Yeah, I think we should stay for a New Years Party too!

Gonzo: I know, like, right? Hey Miss Tetra, can we, like, have a, like, New Years Eve Party?

Tetra:*annoyed* Sure. It's too snowy to go out anyways . . .

Gonzo whoops and cheers. Then most of the pirates run out the shop. Tetra follows close behind. She turns around to Link and makes the hand-across-throat gesture before she goes. Mako lags behind to talk to Gonzo The Perverted Nitwit.

Mako: Yo, can you slide me the password again?

Gonzo:Like, you forgot again? Like, really? Like, it's *beep*! Like, seriously old man . . . not, like, that hard to, like, remember.

Mako: I'm not that old! I'm only 27!

Gonzo: Like, what?!

Mako: Ha! You idiot . . . do I look 27 to you?

Gonzo: Like, then, like, how old _are_ you?

Mako: I'm not sure. I forgot.

Gonzo: Oh. Like, wow.

Gonzo walks out carrying the barrel. Mako follows him outside.

Link jumps from the ledge he was hiding at on to the floor. The ugly guy is still wriggling. Link doesn't rescue him because he doesn't like the guy. Why? Just because Link is mean. And I don't think anyone really likes that guy anyways. So he goes outside where Romani is waiting.

Romani: Hey Grasshopper! Romani saw the pirates come out . . . that big one, Gonzo, looked pretty weird . . . why was he giggling like that?

Link: He's sort of a perverted idiot. He wants another pirate who's, like, _47_ , to marry Tetra. Tetra is _12_ or something.

Romani: Eww! That _is_ perverted!

Link: Let's go inside that pirate ship! I heard the password, so this should be easy.

Link and Romani go to the pirate ship they saw docked in at the island.

They jump aboard and go to the door that leads under the deck. Link kicks the door(Link is extremely bad tempered right now).

Niko: What be the password, yargy bargy?

Link: *beep*! Now let me in, stupe! And yargy bargy isn't a pirate thing! It's a Swedish Chef thing!

Author: Hey! How do _you_ know who Swedish Chef is? Err . . . everyone forgets about the existence of the Muppets!

Link: What were we talking about . . . oh yeah! So let us in already, stupe!

There are loud clicking and clanking sounds. 5 minutes later, the door unlocks. Link and Romani go inside.

goes down into Niko's room, hoping he isn't in the room. But sadly, he is.

Niko: SWABBIEEEEE! YOU'RE ALIVE!

Link: You're still here? Get away, fool!

Niko:*ignores Link and notices Romani* And you got yourself a girlfriend!

Link and Romani: It isn't like that!

Link: *muttering to himself* Not yet, at least . . . heheheheheheheheheheh!

Niko: *ignores Link again* Hey, wanna do a test - I mean, um, a, a, another thing I made?

Link: NO WAY! I hate those! They are a huge waste of time and space!

Link ties Niko up with the grappling hook.

Niko: Ha! I knew you were going to do this to me! That's why I made the course harder! The only way You can get across is by doing it! *does annoying laugh* And now there aren't any platforms to keep you up! Heheheheheheheheh!

Link: I'm really not in the mood for this!

Link jumps off the platform and uses the Deku Leaf to get to the other side.

Niko: *whining* Heeyyyyy! You're cheeeeaaaatiiing!

Link: Great! Cheating is for men!

Link opens the chest in the room.

 _You got the_ _ **Bombs!**_ _Now you can blast Tetra's retarded pirate ship to pieces like she blasted you to space . . . revenge is sweet, isn't it?_

Suddenly Link's pocket vibrates.

Link: *panicked frenzy*Oh no! Farore is after me again! I was the one who fried Orca's dog! I stole Aryll's Easter Egg and ate it! I made The Finger at Aryll and Gramma when I was 6! I'm sorryyyy!

Link curls up on the ground shaking in fear and whimpering.

Tetra: It's me, you idiot frogspawn!

Link stops cowering in fear and whimpering and curses Farore(not again!). The roof above him bursts into flames and Link hears thunder. He jumps and whimpers again.

Tetra: Ha ha, frogspawn . . . I managed to slip this stone in your pocket before we launched you off the ship! And I can see and hear anything and everything you've been doing!

Link: Even my fantasies!?

Tetra: What the *beep* are you talking about, Frogspawn?

Link: Fshewww . . .

Tetra: Now get the *beep* out of my *beep* ship before I *beep* come back!

Link: Wash yo mouth, dope!

Tetra: *whistling* Woohoohoo, goin' down the stairs, Woohoohoo, trudgin' through the snow, Woohoohoo, goin' in the ship -

Link: OK! Sheesh . . . Romani! Let's go!

Romani and Link go away from Tetra's ship.

Link: Aha! I've been hit with the most delightfully devilish thought!

Romani: What is it, Grasshopper?

Link: I almost forgot to bomb Tetra's ship!

Link lights the bomb and throws it at Tetra's ship. It blasts a huge hole in the side of it.

Link: *Snickering* Heheheheheheheheheheh . . . Crazy old pirate girl. Wonder what she'll say now!

Romani: Romani doesn't think that was such a good idea, Grasshopper.

Link: Oh, you'll see . . .

Suddenly a wooden plank cracks on Link's headache.

Link: Owwww!*whining*I need a stress fooooood!

Link cries and whimpers and curses his bad luck.

Romani: Try eating this, Grasshopper. It might make you feel better . . .

Romani holds out a box of something. Link grabs the box and opens it. It is . . .

 _You got a_ _ **Box Of Stress-Eating Candy!**_ _This is a box of candy Romani specialized just for you! How kind! It has your favorites, including Skittles, Twizzlers, Extreme Airheads, and Sour Patch Kids! Man, you sure love dem Sour Patch Kids! Dem Sour Patch Kids . . ._

Link starts eating the candy super fast. Then he starts to calm down.

Link: Hey . . . it worked!

Romani:*proudly* Romani knew it would! Now let's get out of here before Tetra comes . . .

They go down to the beach where Red Simba is waiting. The retarded boat is still trying to play Hey Jude.

Link:*screech* **RED SIMBAAAAAAA!**

Red Simba: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. It's you. *sigh* Ok. Jump in. Let's go.

Link and Romani jump in and they sail off.

Red Simba: Wait, where are we going?


	17. Meeting Jabun

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

Meeting Jabun

Red Simba: So what did Tetra have to say, Link?

Link: I gave her the Finger! And I'll do the same to you if you don't get off my back!

They are on the Great Sea. It is somehow still night and it is still snowing lightly. Romani is asleep. Link is tired, but Red Simba keeps bothering him, making his mood even worse and worse.

Red Simba: And how did you -

Link gives him the Finger and curls up to go to sleep. Red Simba stops the boat abruptly.

Red Simba: No, young man! I will not tolerate such extreme behavior from you! Now take that immediately, or we will sit here all night!

Link: *yawns* Sounds fine to me.

Link drinks some of the leftover purple stuff. Then he falls asleep.

Red Simba grumbles in annoyance and keeps going in the water.

Link wakes up at Outset Island. Romani is waiting at the little dock on Outset Island. Red Simba is humming some Beatles song Link doesn't care about. Link gets up, kicks Red Simba in the head just because he wants to, and gets out of the retarded boat.  
Red Simba: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. Wait, no! We have to go to Jabun!

Link: I'd like to prove a point to Romani!

Romani: What point?

Link: The point that I am the glue of my family! Aryll and my Grandma need me so!

Link goes to his grandma's house without another word, Romani following close behind.

Link walks inside. His grandma is sitting in a rocking chair dead(or possibly asleep).

Link:*triumphantly* See? She just can't even _live_ without me!

Suddenly his Grandma mutters something.  
Link's Grandma: So much fun today . . . golf, hiking, bungee jumping, and skydiving . . . glad kids aren't home . . . don't really like them or need 'em . . . *snore*

Romani: *chuckles* More like she can't live _with_ you, Grasshopper!

Link: *whines* Stoooooooop!

Romani: Now are you ready?

Link: No! I need to do some things!

Link pulls out one of his bottle and steals some of his Grandma's Famous Soup.

 _You got_ _ **Liquid Diabetes!**_ _This soup is literally good enough to die for! It is healthier than Liquid McDonalds though . . ._

Then he writes on the door with green paint he pulled out of nowhere, "Link was Here! FOooooooOOOLlLlll! (exactly like that). Then he pours the whole bucket of paint on a bunch of portraits. Then Link paints a perfect replication of The Creation Of Adam and ruins it. I won't say how. He just ruins the painting because he is a jerk. (Link is a master vandal)  
Romani: Wow.

Link: I know, right? Now let's get out of this dump!

Romani: Wow.

Link: I know! You just said! Now follow me!

Romani: Wow.

Link pulls Romani out of the house.

Then they go down to the docks where Red Simba is waiting.

Red Simba: Woah! Liquid Diabetes . . . that sounds cool! Can I try some?

Link: No! Find some McDonald's In a Bottle or something, retard!

Red Simba: But I need something less unhealthy! One guy took a bite; he was dead in the next day.

Link: Wow . . .

Romani:*is still surprised at the painting Link made* Wow.

Link turns around and shakes Romani really hard.

Link: ROMANI!

Romani: Wha-wha . . . ? Oh. Sorry Grasshopper. Romani just didn't know you knew were an artist.

Link: I am many things, young girl. I am an arsonist! I am a artist! I am an anarchist! I am a -

Romani:Young child . . . but we're the same age, Grasshopper.

Link: Well still.

Romani: Romani thinks - never mind.

Link: Now off to find Jabun!

Romani and Link jump into the retarded boat Red Simba, who is cursing Link and sulking because he can't get Liquid Diabetes.

Red Simba: OK . . . I guess we have to find Jabun back on this stupid island . . . Try sailing around the whole thing . . .*sad sigh*

Link: Stop being a wimp about not getting my Liquid Diabetes!

Red Simba: Well it's so tasty!

Link: *ignored Red Simba*Ready Romani?

Romani: Sure . . .

Link sails Red Simba to the back of the island. At the back, they find a whirlpool.

Link: What the *censored*! You never said there was a *beep* whirlpool

Romani: Come on Grasshopper! We can do this! It's just a stupid whirlpool!

Romani jumps to the place where Link should be steering Red Simba and steers instead of Link.

Link sits down and starts eating his stress-candy at super-human speeds (well I guess he _is_ the Hero of Winds). Romani is too busy sailing the ship to notice and Red Simba is somehow absorbed in his horrible Ocarina music even though this is a life and death moment. But sadly, Red Simba drops the Ocarina in the whirlpool. Link hasn't stopped eating

his stress-candy yet.

Romani: *shouting* Romani has an idea! Grasshopper, try shooting your cannon at the big stone! I think that that stone is the one that Quill was talking about!

Link: I guess . . .

Link goes to the little cannon that pops out of nowhere and shoots at the rock. But he misses horribly and it hits the area way above.

Link: Woah, I wonder if I can hit the village!

Link starts shooting up really high as they get closer and closer to the center of the whirlpool.

Romani: Grasshopper! Shoot at the _rock_ , not the village!

Link cackles like a maniac and shoots more bombs at the village. Then he covers four in some of the leftover purple stuff.

Romani:*singsong* Oh Grasshopper!

Link: Yeah? (Link is very absorbed in his game of Bomb Your Birth Town)

Romani: Romani has something very special for you if you shoot at the rock!

Then he shoots them at the rock reluctantly.

The rock crumbles and the whirlpool magically disappears.

Red Simba: Wow . . . and now you're a pyromaniac. I hope you didn't hit anything. Well, I kinda do, but still.

Romani glares at Red Simba. He glares back. Link glares at everyone.

Link: Why are we glaring?

Red Simba: I don't know. Let's stop.

Everyone stops. Then Link looks around.

Link: Wait a second . . . where the *beep* is the Ocarina Of Time!?

Red Simba: I lost it. But who cares? They probably have another in stock at the gift shop!

Link: What the *beep* is wrong with you?! Everything in that *censored* store is only stocked in one!

Red Simba: Oh . . . oh well then.

Link curses Red Simba.

Red Simba: Can I have some Liquid Diabetes _now?_

Link: NO!

Romani: Oh, here is Romani's surprise, Grasshopper!

Romani holds out something.

 _You got a_ _ **Bottle Of Chateau Romani!**_ _It is named after Romani, so you are probably going to like it! This stuff is pretty much the beer of Hyrule(Termina, but The Hero of Winds doesn't know what that is)! The bottle looks really awesome! And . . . it smells nice too . . . *quote*_

Romani: Why are you sniffing that, Grasshopper?

Link: I just needed to sniff it. *hiss* Don't judge me!

Romani:Err, OK? It's from -

Link takes off the cork for the bottle and is about to start chugging it but Romani stops him.

Romani: Wait! Only drink it when you are tired! It should give you a little boost . . .

Link: So it's like a mix of coffee _and_ wine!? I'm liking this . . .

Romani: What?! How are you allowed to drink coffee and wine? You're only ten!

Link: Well my good ol "grandma" didn't stop me, did she? Heheheheheheh . . . and I don't drink wine! What kind of person do you think I am?!

Romani grumbles something about wine, coffee, Cremia, and milk.

Red Simba: Well? Let's go in, you twits! Go go go!

Link and Romani glare at Red Simba. He glares back.

Link and Romani grumble something about privacy and special moments and retardation. Then they steer Red Simba into the cave.

Link is disappointed by the cave. It is empty. But suddenly, a huge angler fish swims up. He is a big fat anglerfish with a huge bag of Fay's fried clamshells(hahahahahaha . . . get it?). It is Jabun . . . or something.

Red Simba: Jabun, O Lazy One, I have found a substitute for the legendary hero! This one doesn't like the Beatles . . . are you sure this is the right idea?

Jabun: Mhhghghghgghghggmmmmmm!

Red Simba: Sorry, but I don't speak your language, good spirit!

Link: *roll of eyes*Like, oh my gosh. You don't know the language of Couch Pottatoe? Wow. You really _are_ retarded.

Link moans back at Jabun. Then they have a conversation. When it is over, Link turns around with a wicked grin.

Link: Heheheheheh! *whispering to Romani* So listen, we're gonna blast this stupid couch fish to pieces! It turns out he is a huge jerk and he doesn't even know who Queen is!

Red Simba: NO! You cannot blast a water spirit to death! It's illegal!

Link: It is? Oh well. There are hardly any laws in The Great Sea!

Link pulls out the cannon and blasts the life out of Jabun. Jabun gives a cry of fury and pain, a big blue orb shoots out of his Fay's fried clamshells bag, and he falls back underwater.

 _You got_ _ **Naryu's Pearl!**_ _You blasted Jabun just hard enough to get this orb! But the real question is, now that you have all the pearls, what exactly are you going to do with them?_

Link: Now can we go before he wakes up again?

Red Simba: What the *censored* are you talking about!? YOU KILLED HIM, YOU NUMBSKULL! HE - IS - DEAD!

Link: Well still! So there! *raspberrys at Red Simba*

Red Simba: You little - well, fine. Let's go. And let me steer us this time. We are leaving _straight_ to go where I say so. Got it?

Link: Get yo face, fool!

Red Simba: *growl* **GOT IT?**

Link: OK, OK, I got it! Gosh . . .

They go outside of the cave. It is _still_ snowing lightly, but the moon's position seems to have shifted.

Red Simba: I guess it is almost day or something. Yay.

Link: Aw man . . . now I won't be able to sleep for 24 hours!

Red Simba: *ignores Link * Now let us go across the Tape Sea!

Link:*ignores Red Simba's retardation* Wait a second . . . what do you mean? Across the Great Sea? How long is this trip exactly?

Red Simba: We will probably go to around the middle of the Tape Sea, near Dagnabit Island, and near Windfail Island.

Link: Well that does it. Good night Red Simba.

Link eats up a ton of the purple stuff and faints.

Romani: Yeah, sorry bud, but Romani needs some sleep. Night!

Romani mixes some more ChuChu goo and gets the purple stuff. Then she eats the last of the purple goop and some of her new batch. She also faints.

Red Simba: *sigh* Well, that sucks! Now I won't have anything to do on the whole trip! But . . . on we go, I guess.

Something slams up from behind him.

Red Simba: GAAH! WHOSSERREE?

Red Simba turns around. It is the Ocarina Of Time!

Red Simba: Great! Now Red Simba will - Oh, now Romani's got me doing that! *beep* -now _I_ will have something to do on the trip!

Then he sails away from Outset Island playing Hey Jude again.


	18. The Wind Wrecker

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

The Wind Wrecker

Sorry for the holdup! I had some problems with my documents . . . I had to rewrite the whole chapter! Enjoy, and please review!

* * *

Link chasing a rabbit bear hybrid (that is holding his sword)around a tiny tree in a forest. A girl is leaning against the tree, playing Saria's Song because, well, the girl is Saria. There is a huge rock floating above them, grinning drunkenly down at them all and it starts singing Rock Your Body. So Saria throws her ocarina down and start doing a dance that actually fits the song for once. The sky is purple, and The Indigo-gos are playing Rock Your Body for the drunk-looking moon.

Saria: Hey Link! If you get that rabbit and your sword, you can have something special! From me!

Moon: And if you don't, you'll hear me sing for a long, long, LONG time!

Link: Gimme my sword you stupid rabbit!

Rabbit Monster: Neyarfarfarf! You can't catch me! I ain't no Gingabread Man!

Link: So very close to a relationship . . .

Link reaches out for the bunny.

Saria: Almost there, Link! Almost there!

The Moon: *singing*

 _Don't be so quick to walk away_

 _I'm gonna rock your body -_

Link: Shut up, you stupid pebble!

Suddenly, a dark theme plays and a shadow falls over the forest.

Red Simba: **LINK! GET UP, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING NE'ER-DO-WELL!**

Link: Wha-wha . . . oh. It's you. And wait, what does that even mean? Ne'er-do-well? What?

Red Simba is waiting in front of a small triangle island. Romani is still asleep and it is getting darker. It has stopped snowing and it is less cold, but there is still snow everywhere.

Red Simba: Use a dictionary, you simpleton! All kids these days should have one . . .

Link: Well it's not like you have one!

Red Simba: Because I'm a boat, idiot! Now why did you take so long to wake up!? You were asleep for 4 days!

Link: I had a really good dream! I was chasing a rabbit so I could get my sword back and get "something special" from a hot babe!

Red Simba: What are you talking . . . who is this "hot babe?"

Link: She was green!

Red Simba: Wow. So much detail, Link. So much - oh, _that_ one. I forgot her name . . Sillier or something.

Link: _Saria_ , you retard! Now what do you want me to do? (Note: I was listening to Saria's Song when I wrote this chapter)

Red Simba: Go to statue over there and drop a ball in it.

Link: You weirdo! Don't you mean orb?

Red Simba: There's no such thing as a "orb", you idiot!

Link: *sigh* Even more retarded. Orb is the less disgusting way of saying ball. Same with sphere and pearl.

Red Simba: Well sphere isn't a word either!

Link: Wow . . . but anyways, what ball are you talking about, retard?

Red Simba: Good . . . so put Naryu's Pearl in the statue.

Link: Nar yourself!

Red Simba: DO IT NOW!

Link: OK! Jeez . . .

Link picks up Naryu's Pearl and goes over to the statue. It looks ugly. Link drops the ball in it. Nothing happens.

Link: Dagnaggity!

Then he kicks the statue. It blows up and Link blacks out.

When he wakes up, he is in front of a huge tower.

Link: What the . . . how did we get here?

Red Simba: Well, you put that ball in that statue thingie and summoned this: The Tower of Disney Movies! Now go and face the perils of it!

Link: Oh no . . . what the *beep* is going to happen this time?

Red Simba: Go in! NOW!

Link flinches and hurries into the Tower Of Disney Movies. Then Red Simba calls Link back.

Red Simba: Link! Wait!

Link turns around.

Link: What, you old *censored*?

Red Simba: *ignores Link's sailor mouth* In this tower, you may find things that scare you for life. But I believe that you might be able to make it through this tower of pain. With blood, sweat, tears, a lot of cursing, and tons of duct tape, I know in my heart you might make it(you probably won't make it, but this is supposed to be a moving speech). But you will be changed forever. A different man. Your very childhood . . . DESTROYED. So just take it easy!

Link: Wait, so I _might_ make it? I don't have a hundred percent chance of making it!? You don't think -

Red Simba: GO IN THE *censored* TOWER!

Link: Fine. I'll talk to you later. And FYI: I don't have any duct tape, retard!

START HERE

Link goes into the tower. It is a movie theater, because there is a snack area nearby and a dark hallway. Above the hallway is a sign labeled, "Movie 1." The popcorn is labeled, "Hylian Popcorn." It is really yellow.

Link: Ew. Why is that popcorn so unnaturally yellow? At least they have something healthy: Sour Patch Kids! Dem Sour Patch Kids . . .

Link grabs some Sour Patch Kids and heads into the theater.

The crowd is filled with Darknuts, Moblins, etc. The movie that is playing is . . . oh no. The most overused Disney movie of all time . . . and the most annoying.

Link: Oh *beep* . . . not this overused movie!

Bokoblin in Audience: Ssssh! We're trying to watch the movie!

He throws his super buttered popcorn at Link. Then he starts eating another large thing of super buttered popcorn.

Link: Shut up, you popcorn junkie! And why are you eating popcorn from here?! It has 542 grams of fat and too many calories!

Bokoblin: I got a stick and I ain't afraid to use it, bub! And it's not like you don't wanna eat it! I know you do . . .

Link: Shut UP!

Link tackles the Bokoblin. It breaks the stick on his Links head and Link screeches in pain. Then a Wizzrobe in a red and white suit comes in. He must be a customer service guy or something.

Customer Service and Wizzrobe: Sir, please stop disrupting the movie or you will be forcefully removed.

Link: Well this *censored* started it!

Customer Service Wizzrobe: Sir. Calm down please.

Link: Fine. I'll kill him after the movie . . .

Customer Service Wizzrobe: Now anyways, the rules are that you have to sing to the whole soundtrack of this movie. Good luck . . .

The Customer Service Wizzrobe teleports away. Link gets back to the movie. In the scene, an annoying little girl skips to a door. She knocks.

Annoying Little Girl: Els-a?

Then the whole audience starts singing,

 _Do you wanna build a snowman?_

 _Come on let's go and play_

 _I never see you anymore_

 _Come out the door_

 _It's like you've gone away!_

 _We used to be best buddies_

 _And now we're not_

 _I wish you would tell me why!_

The door opens. A hand comes out and gives the annoying little girl the Finger.

Cranky Voice: Talk to the Finger! I'm listening to my hard metal!

Annoying Little Girl: OK! Bother ya later!

She skips off, humming a stupid tune.

Link: This is going to be a long, long day . . .

I'm not going to retell the whole *censored* movie. It's already been ruined by people, so I won't ruin it even more for you. So anyways, the movie ends with a suicidal snowman getting over his suicide problems, the crazy goth girl becoming the queen of some stupid land somewhere, and a lonely man getting married to that annoying little girl (who is now not so little but is still annoying and now she is an idiot). Link is shivering and pale, his pants are, um, unpleasant and he throwing up in the seat next to him. Luckily it is an unoccupied seat.

Link:*hyperventilating*Don't - just - next - just let it go - stupid - calm down - calm down -

Another CSW appears next to him.

Customer Service Wizzrobe: Good! You are worthy . . . you may proceed.

Link throws up on the CSW.

Customer Service Wizzrobe: *in disgust*You sicko! Just take this! Here! It's probably covered in your barf . . .

Link: Cool!

Link grabs it. It is a . . .

 _You got_ _ **The Wind WRECKER!**_ _"Wha-wha?" You must be wondering. Well YES, it is a gun. And it is the Hero of Winds's other chosen weapon! How cool is that! And it's waayyyyy better than some stupid bow or something._

Link:*in Lil Player*Woah there baby! I likin dis ting!

Link blasts the Wizzrobe just because he likes guns and bows. To be more specific, I guess he is either sadistic or likes shooting stuff. But for some reason, he blinks and he is in a different place. It is a weird round room and the door is locked.

Link: Wow. So very creative, you *beep* lazy author. Can you actually take the time to let me go through the whole thing? You're super lazy. Well, I wouldn't do it either way, but still.

Author: Well it was already enough torture to go through the whole flippin' movie!

Suddenly a new voice booms out.

?: YOU HAVE BROKEN THE GREAT RULE OF AUTHORS: **NEVER -** BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.

Author: I am sorry, O Great Book Keeper! Please forgive me, my lord!

The Book Keeper's presence leaves the room.

Author: OK, ummm . . . Link forgets what just happened!

Link: What was I talking about . . . oh yeah.

Suddenly, a deep voice booms around the room.

?: It is annoying how you somehow found your way to this place.

Link: Where are you? Come out, you cow!

?: Your face is a cow!

Link: That doesn't make sense, stupid!

?: Well you started it, you food junkie!

Link: How am I a food junkie?!

?: You eat random things! If there was some yellow meat on a brick wall, you would eat it! If Twilight Sparkle died, you would eat her too! And no one would eat Twilight Sparkle! She's too hot to be eaten!

Link: Eating ponies is retarded!

?: That's because you are!

Link: *whimper* I'm not retarded! Gramma told me to follow my dreams . . . but look where she is now. But you are a ponyphile! You would hit on ponies! And you're a brony at the same time ! So who's retarded now!

?: Still you! Twilight Sparkle for the win, baby! Aww, *beep* you! I forgot my frickin' lines now! Ummm . . . oh yeah. O chosen one . . . accept this final challenge.

A hand pops out of the wall. Then another hand and a head pop out.

?: I am Gohdan! I am just so totes cool, aren't I?

Link: You suck!

Gohdan starts playing the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic theme song and tries doing caramelldansen to it, but it isn't working out. I mean, you have to have a full body to actually do that dance. Gohdan only has hands and a head. So that would be scary. So Link falls to the ground and screams and wails in pain.

Link:*whining and screaming and wailing* EERUUURGHHH . . . my ears! My eyes! Make it stoooooop!

Link shoots Gohdan's hands and head, who is still trying to do caramelldansen like an idiot. Then he stops dancing.

Gohdan: Owwww! My flippin' hands!

Link: Flip your own hands!

Gohdan curses Link for not making a lick of sense, then Link blasts him a few more times.

Gohdan: But friendship is magic!

Link: No it isn't! No one cares about love and harmony and all that junk! And what a second . . . My Little Pony isn't Disney! So why are you here win the first place?

Gohdan: Hasbro Tower was too filled up with other bronies, so Farore, The God of Disney and Life, hired me. So yeah. But you are right about friendship! PRINCESS CELESTIA, YOU HAVE FAILED MEEEEEEEE!

Gohdan blows up from the fact that friendship isn't really all that magical.(It never was, Hasbro . . .)

Then another one of those cyclone things appears again. Link jumps into it and is blown away. He is suddenly on top of the Tower of Disney Movies. There is a huge bell hanging over Link.

Link: I need some Sour Patch Kids . . .

Link throws up on himself.

Link: Bleah . . . that's better . . . but some Sour Patch Kids would be greatly -

Then Link realizes he can use the bell to wake up Romani. Because he has a serious crush on Romani, this excites him so he doesn't need any Sour Patch Kids.

Link: Hey, wait a second! Maybe I can wake up Romani with this bell!

Link uses his grappling hook to swing on the bell. It clangs really loudly. But sadly for Link, he is still woozy from throwing up and his grip slips off of the grappling hook. Then he passes out.

When he wakes up, he is in Red Simba. Red Simba is floating towards a golden circle, humming Love Is An Open Door.

Link: Hey, what's happening? What are you doing?

Red Simba ignores Link and goes closer to the circle. Then, once they had floated into the circle, the retarded red boat started sinking into the water.

Link: Are you trying to kill us all, you nasty son of a -

They sink underwater before Link can finish cursing Red Simba.

* * *

Note: I am taking a break from this story and doing something that should have been done long ago . . . you'll see what I mean when it comes out. But I'll release a few more chapters.


	19. The Hylian Gift Shop

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

The Hylian Gift Shop

Link: *thinking* _I can't hold my breath much longer . . . that crazy boat! I'm gonna -_

Red Simba: You can breathe, you idiot!

Link: Why are you calling me an idiot, retard!? Oh, I can breathe! You're actually right for once!

Then they land in a grey colored pond near a small building In fact, the whole place is shades of black and white. And the water isn't moving at all. Oh no . . . is this another Zelda Time Shenanigan?

Link: What is this? Is this what Outset Island looked like a long time ago?*whines* I don't like thiiiiiiiiss!

Red Simba: SHUT UP! PLEASE! OK, so anyways, all you have to do is go inside here.

Link: But where are we?!

Red Simba: The Hylian Gift Shop! Duh! Now go! You have to buy a new sword!

Link: But I don't need a sword when I have a gun!

Red Simba: Well it's not like your gun can repel evil! So go in there and get the *beep* sword!

Link: Well gimme some Rupees!

Red Simba: NO!

Link: Well you better pay me back, retard!

Red Simba: Isn't the fact that I've saved your life a few times already payment?!

Link: Of course not! I could save myself!

Red Simba: JUST GET THE *beep* SWORD! NOWWWW!

Link: Fine, fine! Jeez . . . but I expect some money when I get back!

Link jumps out of the boat and trudges to the gift shop front entrance. Inside, there are Moblins and Darknuts, but they aren't moving . . . I guess this is the 50s or something(Link has the notion that there wasn't color before he was born). There are masks and swords and snow globes and other trinkets were everywhere.

Link: Woah . . . what is this *beep*?

He wanders over to a mask that looks like a weird ugly version of him but with streaks on it's face.

Link: Woah . . . cool! It's like me, but cooler looking . . . fiercer looking!

Then he notices another one of the masks. It is shaped like a heart and has spikes around it. And it's eyes are bright.

Link: Wow, that looks retarded . . . but I'm touching it anyways . . .

Link tries to grab it but someone grabs his arm to stop him.

?: **NOOOOOOOOO! DON'T TOUCH THAT!**

Link: OK, OK! Jeez . . . wait, Romani?

It is Romani! Yay!

Romani: Don't touch that, Grasshopper! It almost destroyed my world! How is it even here?!

Link: Lemme touch it! It looks retarded!

Romani is still pulling Link back from touching it. She is pretty strong, so luckily Link isn't grabbing it.

Romani: But if it looks retarded, why do you wanna touch it so bad!?

Link: Actually, you're right! The mask is deceiving me!

Romani lets go, but at the wrong time. Link accidently punches the mask in the face.

Romani: *angry* GRASSHOPPER! You will destroy your world! Look at what you've done!

The mask blinks innocently.

Majora's Mask: Wha-wha . . . where am I? What happened?

It notices Link.

Majora's Mask: Are you the boy who put me down last time? Sorry about that. I had a little too much milk at the bar . . . that Crazy Not So Happy Mask Salesman let me have some Chateau Romani, and it got weird from there. I get a little crazy when I have too much milk.

Romani: *furious* What are you talking about, you stupid mask? You almost destroyed everything with a moon that looks like it's going to kill everyone! Now you're talking about drinking too much of the milk I am named after!?

Majora's Mask: I'm sorry, but I simply don't recall this. Do you mind if I can get back to my beauty sleep now?

Romani:*still angry* Don't be smart with me, you! Now why did you try destroying Termina?

The mask yawns. Then it blinks and it stops moving and goes to sleep.

Romani growls.

Link: Can we go now?

Romani: Yeah . . .

Link goes around the shop. Romani is still glaring at Majora's Mask. Link goes up to a place that is labeled, "Triangle Earrings." It cost NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN - just kidding. The price was, "Priceless." But the earrings are not there . . .

Link: Hmm . . . where have I seen triangular earrings . . . ? Oh well. I forgot.

Link wanders over to a painting of some weird scarecrow boy in the light of the moon.

Link: Looks retarded.

Link goes to the item across the room. It is a crossbow.

Link: Meh . . . I already got a friggin gun, so this is useless to me.

Romani has come over to Link.

Romani: Well what do we have here? That thing is mine!

Romani grabs the crossbow.

Romani: Oh yeah! Thanks, Grasshopper! My sister never lets me play with crossbows!

Romani hugs Link.

Link: Anytime! *giggles stupidly*

Romani ignores Link being stupid and looks around for Some more arrows. Then she wanders off somewhere or other. Link goes over to the next thing. It is a puzzle with a bunch of triangles on the wall.

Link: What is this?

Link slides the triangles around for thirty minutes while Romani practices with her crossbow on the Moblins and Darknuts. After that, Link gets grumpy and annoyed.

Link: Ugh! Screw this!

Romani: Calm down, Grasshopper!

Link: Well you try this!

Romani: Sure!

Romani cracks her knuckles as Link moves aside. Then she goes over to the puzzle and solves it in under thirty seconds.

Link: WHA-WHA - WHAAAAAAAT!?

Romani: Pretty easy, actually!

Suddenly, the wall slides up, showing a small elevator thing.

Link: What's this?

They go into the small elevator thing. Here are only two floor options: down and up. Down is bright, but up is not. Link presses down. There is a little thump and the elevator starts going down as some random song Link doesn't know starts playing starts playing(Outset Island theme).

Link: I don't like this music! I hate classical music!

Romani: Yeah . . . it is nice . . .

Link: But I said - never mind.

The elevator thuds again and there is a ding. The doors slide open. They go out of the elevator. There is a big room with a bunch of knight statues surrounding the center of the room. In the center is a blue hilted sword stabbed into a stone beneath it. There is a little price tag that says, "Master Sword." The price says, "The Hero Of Winds and 912 Rupees."

Link: Well I'm the Hero Of Winds! It's a hero's job to pull swords out of stones!

Link strides up to the stone and tries to yank the sword out of the stone. It barely moves. However, when Romani comes over to help, it slides out a little bit. Then the whole thing slides out completely.

Romani: YEAH! GIRL POWER!

Link: *muttering to himself like a weirdo* No fair! I'm the *beep* Hero of Winds! Isn't that what they *censored* wanted?

 _You got the_ _ **Master Sword!**_ _Some other guy also had this sword at some point, but you are the coolest one to have it! Forget about that *beep*!_

The swords that the stone knights are holding all point up, clashing together. Link ignores this and tries showing off his sword abilities to Romani, but he trips over his sword and smashes his face into the ground.

Link: Ow! My nose!

Romani: Are you ready to go, Grasshopper?

Link: I'd love to, but the door is blocked! I think I need to pay them!

Link walks over to the elevator. Like Link said, it is closed. But on the wall near it, there is a little box. Link sighs and drops 912 Rupees into the box, but Link grabs his Rupees back before the box slides into the wall and the elevator opens.

Link: Heheheheheh . . . stupid box. I'm amazing!

They go into the elevator. Link presses the up button, which is now bright. The musak starts playing. It is some song Link doesn't know (Rodent Ruckus theme, which isn't even from Zelda, but I love that theme). Then Link starts doing a stupid not so awesome dance.

Romani: What are you doing, Grasshopper?

Link: Grooving! This is my jeeyum(jam)!

Romani sighs. Then the elevator thumps to a stop and Link falls over.

Link: Owww!*whines* My butt huuuuuuuurts!

Romani: Come on, Grasshopper.

Link: OK . . .

Link gets up and goes out of the elevator. Outside, everything is in back in color. The Moblins and Darknuts are all gone. Probably because Romani shot them all with her crossbow more than once. Even for the Darknuts. So they walk out the gift shop back to Red Simba. He is still playing the Ocarina.

Link: Hey, retard! We're ready to rescue my sister!

Red Simba: Sorry Link. But that won't happen.

Red Simba floats into the golden circle. He floats away and the circle disappears.

Link: NOOOO! THAT SON OF A -

Romani: I HATE THAT GUY! NOW HOW WILL WE GET BACK?!

Then Link throws a tantrum of cursing and whining and rolling around on the ground. I don't even know half the words he says . . . I bet _you_ don't even know.

Duh duh duh! I put a twist there, didn't I? Heheheheheheh . . .

and please, feel free to leave a review. ABSOLUTELY FREE.


	20. The Forsaken Fortress (for real)

The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures

The Forsaken Fortress (For real)

Hey everyone! For the people that reviewed the last chapter, thanks a ton! Now as a heads up, this chapter is pretty long. So prepare your minds. Don't forget to leave reviews and that I'm coming up with new stories and chapters right this second. And don't you even _think_ that I'm not active. _Don't you even think it._ I'm active, and I can't wait to post what I'm working on. Sorry, but I just had to say something before my "break." Now read! READ, I SAY!

Link is still throwing a tantrum and since Romani is too sweet and innocent to know what Link knows, she is just furious.

But in truth . . .

Link: **HEY! LISTEN UP RETARD!**

Red Simba: Wha-wha . . . oh. It's you. *thinking* _Man, that was a good fantasy . . . I wish I could do that to that *beep* Link and his annoying girlfriend._

(Ha! Tricked you there, didn't I? I bet you didn't expect another chapter)

Red Simba was having a fantasy of leaving Link and Romani in Hyrule while playing his Ocarina. It was fun while it lasted . . .

Link: Finally! Now let's get out of this dump!

Red Simba: HYRULE ISN'T A DUMP, YOU IDIOT!

Link: Well, just look at this place! It's empty and boring and ugly! No one lives here because it is retarded!

Red Simba: You little - let's go.

Link and Romani jumps into Red Simba. Then he sails into the golden circle _with_ them. They are in the boat. Not out. In. Just to make sure you understood . . . so anyways, they appear back above the surface.

Link: Wait, how did we get back up here?

Romani: Grasshopper, we traveled through time! We are time travellers!

Red SImba: Shut up, you idiots!

Romani: You're mean! *stifled sob*

Link: Stop being "mean" to Romani, you *beep*!

Red Simba and Link: I hate you!

Romani: Can we just go already?

Suddenly, it starts raining freezing rain and the wind starts blowing hard. Then a red frog in a cloud floats up.

Red Frog: What are you *beep*s up to? Get the *censored* out of the *censored* way!

Link: Shut up, you retarded frog! I'm the Hero of Winds, fool! Talk to the finger!

Link gives the Finger to the Red Cloud Frog. It's eyes glow red.

Red Frog: Well I'm, Cyclos, the God of Winds, you idiot, and you're dead meat!

The Frog (get it? Hahaha! Stupid joke) Of Winds floats up in his cloud and summons a cyclone.

Link: This is retarded!  
Link shoots Cyclos Red Cloud Frog with his gun a few ten times. The cyclone stops and the Red Cloud Frog flies down.

Cyclos: Wha-wha - whaaaaaaaat?! How did you shoot me?

Link: Duh! We all saw you fly up to the top of the cyclone. It was obvious.

Cyclos: Well, you cheated! You can't shoot -

Suddenly a slip of paper floats out from Cyclos's cloud. Link grabs it.

Cyclos: Give that back, you *censored*!

Link: Hmmm . . . I think it is a song!

Link pulls out his Wind Waker and follows the instructions on the paper.

Cyclos: GIVE IT BACK, YOU *beep* KID!

Link: No! Now watch this!

Link plays the song perfectly. The frog screams in uncontrollable madness.

Cyclos: GIVE ME BACK MY BALLAD OF GALES! THOSE CYCLONES CAN ONLY CARRY ME ACROSS THE OCEAN!

Link: Sorry, chum! But you are a failure as a wind frog!

Suddenly, another cyclone comes down and carries Link into the sky. Link passes out from spinning around so much.

When he wakes up, the trio is on a high platform that is near a big door.

Red Simba: Hey! We somehow landed on top of the -

Link throws up on Red Simba. Red Simba screams like a girl.

Red Simba: AAAAIIII! ITS IN MY MOUTH! GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!

Romani wakes up. She doesn't throw up, because interestingly enough, Link has a weak stomach where Romani does not. But they are all very dizzy.

Red Simba: I really hate you, Link. I'm gonna kill you! I just got a paint job!

Link: What is this? Where are we?

Red Simba: We are at the Forsaken Fortress. Exactly where we planned to go! Now go inside here to rescue your sister. I think this is her cell . . .

Suddenly, a weird thing that looks like a knight appears in a blast of smoke.

Not So Scary Knight: I will keel you! You will die!

Link: No!

Not So Scary Knight: Yes!

Link: No!

Not So Scary Knight: Yes! You be keeled now!

Link: Keel yourself!

Not So Scary Knight: Wait, what is my purpose? I feel like I was meant for more than keeling peepul.

Link: I don't know. Ask this retard.

Link kicks Red Simba. Red Simba bites Link's leg.

Link: Owwww! *censored* you!

Link yanks his leg out. It is bleeding.

Link and Red Simba: I hate you!

The Not So Scary Knight starts crying.

Not So Scary Knight: What is purpose of my life?!

Link: Go sit in a corner and -

Red Simba: No! Watch your language, young man!

Link: You're not my dad, retard!

Red Simba: Well I'm the only one who actually needs you, so don't be a *beep* about it! NOW GO SAVE YOUR SISTER AND KICK THIS IDIOTS BUTT ALREADY!

Link: *whimpering and sniffing* Well, fine. Big meanie.

Romani: Yeah. You are mean, Red Simba! Stop it!

Red Simba: Oh, so I'M the mean one now?!

Link: I'm leaving! I am clearly not wanted -

Red Simba: NO YOU'RE NOT!

Romani: No! Romani appreciates you!

Red Simba: Don't inspire him!

Link: Yeah! Don't inspire me, Romani!

Romani: Um, I'm trying to help you, Grasshopper.

Link: I know! But I still - it didn't - I worked - he - corner - I'm done! I just gonna rescue my sister and her money, and we will be done, Red Simba! I can go back to my trashy island with Romani and we can -

Red Simba: Don't finish that, you perv!

Romani: Wait, what is perverted about going back to Link's Island?

Link: I don't know!

Red Simba: A lot of things. NOW -

Not So Scary Knight: That is it! I go now to think aboot my meaning of life! Here is hammer. Take it.

The Not So Scary Knight throws a friggin' huge hammer at Link. It slams into Link's head.

Link: OWW! *whining*That huuurrrt!

Link grabs the hammer and puts it somewhere in his pants (tights and dress).

 _You got the_ _ **Skull Hammer!**_ _That stupid knight threw it at you, so make sure to kill him dead sometime . . ._

Link: Now just let me rescue my sister in peace! Jeez!

Link kicks the door open and goes inside. Romani follows him. Inside is a cage. Aryll is doing something inside. She is "playing" with some dead seagulls and whispering to herself. The other prisoners are sleeping or something. Romani goes up to the cell.

Romani: Awwww . . . this is your little sister, Grasshopper? Why would she ever be annoying?

Link: You'll see, Romani . . . Aryll, um, what are you doing, you weirdo?

Aryll turns around and throws the dead seagulls somewhere.

Aryll: BIG BROTHER! I KNEW YOU WOULD COME!

Link: Shut up! You're gonna make that fat bird come back!

Aryll: YOU'RE THE BESTEST BROTHER EVER! AND DID YOU GET A GIRLFRIEND? HOW!? CAN WE KEEP IT? CAN WE? CAN WE?

Link and Romani: IT ISN'T LIKE THAT!

Link: Yet . . . heheheheheheh. Now how do I get you out of here . . .

Link looks at the door, hoping it will open.

?: Don't just stare at the door, frogspawn!

It's . . . Tetra. She brought the dancing perverted nitwit Gonzo. That idiot Gonzo.

Link: I knew you were a stalker and had a crush on me! Everyone does, heheheheheh . . . I'm irresistible.

Aryll: ANOTHER ONE? CAN WE KEEP IT TOO? I LIKE THE OTHER ONE BETTER! IT'S NICER!

Tetra: Don't make me stab you, frogspawn. And this is the brat you've been trying to save? Wow.

Link: *chuckles*Now look, little lady, I've learned some things. Take a long look at this *censored* hot sword.

Link shoves the sword in Tetra's face. Tetra snarls and pulls out her knife. Pulling out her knife is a normal reaction to Link for her. But then her eyes widen in shock and she puts her knife away somewhere.

Tetra: What the *beep* . . . how could you possibly get that sword . . .

Link: I know it's hot! But I am the main attraction. Heh heh.

Tetra: Stop ruining the moment, you idiot. Now Gonzo! Get his sister and take her to the pirate ship!

Gonzo: Like, OK.

Gonzo picks up Aryll who starts screaming and kicking him.

Gonzo: Ow! Stop, you little -

Aryll: *screaming* NOOOOO! I WANNA GO WITH LINK, YOU *censored* *censored*!

Link: Aryll, where the *beep* did you learn those words!

Aryll: *normal again* From Billy-Bob The Seagull and you, big brother!

Then she starts throwing a fit again and kicking and biting Gonzo.

Tetra: Your sisters a little imp too, isn't she? I guess she got it from you, frogspawn.

Romani: Now, wait a second! Who are you and why are you here?!

Link: Yeah! Why are you _really_ here?

Tetra: I was following you to see what you were up to. I knew you were going to do this . . . I knew you were gonna die when you were going to fight that retarded bird. I can't wait to watch!

Link: You little . . . I'm gonna kill you so hard -

Suddenly a loud screeching sound tears through Links words.

Tetra: Yeah, that's my cue. Good bye!

Tetra runs out the door and locks it from the outside. Romani snickers a little.

Romani: Is that your girlfriend or something? Fiery one.

Link: NO! NEVER ASSOCIATE ME WITH BEING TETRA'S BOYFRIEND, FRIEND, CHUM, ALLY, OR ANYTHING THAT INCLUDES ME AND TETRA IN A RELATIONSHIP!

Suddenly, water starts flooding up the tower and a huge bird flies down in front of Link and Romani. It is the Heckofarock King! Ganon named it that because, you know, he likes Queen.

Heckofarock King: SQUAAAAAWKK!

Link: Gah!

Link and Romani start running up the tower because there is some kind of staircase on the side of the wall. The Heckofarock King is trying to destroy the place where they are standing so they can fall, but the King is failing. Finally, Link and Romani get to the top of the tower. Suddenly, stones slide across the tower and the exit is sealed. But sadly, Heckofarock King flies out just in time.

Link: Shut up! Now I will kill you dead. But don't cry. Now just close your eyes . . . imagine you're in a field . . . and imagine you are lying in the middle of the field . . . the sun beating down on your face . . . you are growing ever so sleepy . . . your mind is growing much more tired . . . just go to sleep . . . go to sleep . . . Skittles and lepers, just go to sleep already! TASTE THE RAINBOWWZZZZ!

Then the Heckofarock King and Romani fell asleep. Link starts snickering.

Link: Ha! I knew it would work on the Heckofarock King! It worked on Aryll anyways . . .(that story is for another day)

Link goes over to Romani. He pinches Romani. She doesn't wake up.

Link: I won't resort to violence with you, Romani . . .

Link pulls out his gun and fired a few shots in the air. Romani still hasn't woken up yet. Then she shrieks.

Romani: YIIIII! WHATS THAT! Oh, hey Grasshopper. You sure are trigger-happy . . .

Link: Finally! Now let me do something before we go . . .

Link went over to the Heckofarock King, pulled out his friggin big hammer, and smashed the Heckofarock King's mask to bits. Then he smashed his face in. The Heckofarock King still hasn't woken up. Man, that little thing Link said was powerful! Then Link goes up the little bridge leading up to a weird pirate ship looking thingie, Romani following. There is a big door.

Romani: Good luck Grasshopper!

Romani hugs Link.

Romani: Grasshopper, are you sniffing my hair?

Link: Ummm . . . no.

Link goes in it. Inside, Ganon is playing Innuendo on a radio and singing to it. Ganon looks pretty, um, crazy. He has some kind of black robe. On the back it has the Queen insignia.

Link: Wait, dude. Dude. You like Queen?

Ganon stops playing the music.

Ganon: Obviously! They're the best band in history!

Link: I so agree!

Ganon: Hey, wait, you're that hero guy to save the world, right?

Link: That's me!

Ganon: Sorry kid, but I might need to kill you. That Stupid Storyline says so . . .

Link: Oh.

Silence.

Link: We are under serious pressure. You're, like, the only one who understands me! Hey, that's it!

Link starts humming Under Pressure.

Link:*dumduming* Dum dum dum dumdumdum dum.

Ganon starts playing Under Pressure on his radio.

Link and Ganon: *singing*

 _It's the terror of knowing what this world is about_

 _Watching some good friends screaming -_

?: LIIIIIIIINNK!

Link's pants buzz. It's that stupid stone. Who knows how Red Simba talks through it. I knew he was a liar . . .

Link: Huh?

Red Simba: FIGHT GANON ALREADY! KILL EACH OTHER! BLOOD! DEATH! MURDERRRR!

Link: Shut up, you sadistic retard!

Red Simba stops bothering them. There is silence again.

Ganon: Oh, and your sword doesn't work.

Link: How do you know?

Ganon: It doesn't hurt me.

Link: Oh.

Link: Hey, do you like MJ?

Ganon: No. He is so the worst.

Suddenly, someone jumps onto Ganon's back.

Tetra: NO ONE INSULTS MICHAEL JACKSON!

Ganon shrieks like a girl and grabs her and punches her in the eye. She flies next to Link, but gets up.

Tetra: Oww, that hurt . . . come on, frogspawn! Let's get him!

Link: *ignores Tetra* Wait, back it up. You don't like MJ?

Ganon: No. Do you?

Link: Of course, you idiot! How could you not?!

Ganon: Queen is in his shadow!

Link: Wow! I'm sorry, dude, but I don't think this'll work out. We are done.

Ganon: There never was a we!

Ganon pulls out two giant swords. But before he can do anything, something flies through the window, grabs Tetra, and flies out the other window. Then Link is also grabbed and flown out the window.

Link: OWWIE! My shoulders!

Link passes out.


End file.
